TV review

A GOOD man is hard to find anywhere, but a good screw is impossible to find in Larkhall women's prison.

If warders aren't trying to get into the knickers of inmates, they're being handcuffed for sex by the kinky wing governor (female) or having the gay governor (male) climb into bed beside them in the middle of the night.

So there was only one possible reply when the taller of the two Julies asked the shorter of the two Julies: "Do you think I'm awful fancying a screw?".

Tall Julie was smitten with warder Colin, former drug addict currently being used as a sex toy by the wing governor (female) who otherwise spends her leisure hours walking the streets looking for trade and being roughed up by the local villains.

This is no worse than governor Grayling (male) climbing into bed with warder Fenner (male) before marrying nymphomaniac warder Di (female), then asking her to provide a child (male or female) for him and his lover (male).

It seems poetic justice that Fenner - for whom the word screw is a job description - and Di are now an item.

A fellow TV critic wrote the other day that Bad Girls was getting silly. What a ridiculous suggestion. It's always been very silly, despite protests that it's a serious account of life in women's prison.

This week's orgy of girls behind bars - three episodes on consecutive nights on ITV1, followed by all three last night on ITV2 - was sillier than ever what with Tanya Tucker, the rhubarb and the poisoning of inmates.

Tanya was on a free transfer from another ITV drama, Footballers' Wives, in a rare crossover of series. She lost her talon-like nails but still managed a fresh, designer outfit for every scene. She thought she was on holiday the way she demanded, "I want to speak to the manager" after her cell failed to meet her five-star standards.

The food wasn't up to much, evidenced by an outbreak of projectile vomiting. The poisoning was blamed on the contents of Tanya's luxury hamper, with its quails eggs and brown sugar swizzle sticks.

Expect a rash of rhubarb poisoning after viewers were told repeatedly of the poisonous qualities of leaves of this fruit as the Costa Cons (Stephanie Beacham and Amanda Barrie, trying to outcamp each other) brewed up illegal rhubarb hooch.

The prison doc enjoys playing doctors and nurses with inmates, but his medical skills are questionable. Even the governor recognises that he "doesn't know one end of a stethoscope from the other".

There was much rhubarbing going on. "I'm warning you, the cops are on the rhubarb trail" and "You two are up to your armpits in rhubarb" was dialogue unlikely to heard outside a TV series featuring Alan Titchmarsh.

Meanwhile, the taller of the two Julies was celebrating her birthday. The shorter of the two Julies lined up a treat for her - a turn of the screw. She persuaded Colin to dress up as Elvis and deliver a special birthday song. Surprisingly, he didn't choose Jailhouse Rock.

All The Rage, Darlington Arts Centre

NO-ONE is spared the wrath of Janet Street-Porter in her superb one-woman show. Celebrities, family, old workmates - everyone gets a thorough lashing from her sharp tongue as she picks through the highlights of her eventful life including four marriages and more jobs than probably she could count.

Dressed in a sparkly frock - which she rips off alarmingly at one point to reveal a sports bra and shorts - she launches a vicious, but hilarious, attack on anyone and everyone who has dared cross her path.

Her mother gets it for many reasons, but not least for passing on her genes including those trademark "frilly teeth".

"Look what I had to work with!" she screams, to images of her gawky girlhood. "And those glasses - me and Elton John kept the opticians in business for years."

Unhappy with her poor surroundings, Janet, now "a fully-fledged snob", says she spent her early years desperately hoping that her mother had picked up the wrong baby and that her real parents "who lived in Epsom and read the Guardian while listening to chamber music" would soon come to rescue her.

Her colleagues during her time as a newspaper editor and television producer get it in the neck, but it's the celebities who get the worst of it. One unfortunate is Miriam Stoppard with her "dopey Lulu wicky-wacky hair" for promoting age-defying treatments when she's clearly been airbrushed to within an inch of her life. "I am a botox-free zone!" declares Janet.

The weddings were also a highlight, including the drunken Las Vegas impulse marriage and the wedding cake that was drilled full of holes by the CID as part of a drugs bust.

After receiving countless job offers recently for some very unappealing work, including the opportunity to "get her guts sucked out" on Celebrity Detox (which she explains "Kim Saddo Wilde" did instead), Janet is asking audiences "What job can I do next?".

The suggestion of Piers Morgan's old job didn't appeal, though she did ponder for a few seconds on a career in politics. It didn't last long."I'm not interested in other people's points of view," she snarls.

A superb show full of hilarious revelations, bad language and more than a little rage.

Michelle Hedger