WHEN the highlight of the week in our house is the Siamese cat trying to attack the visually-impaired piano tuner's guide dog you know you're in trouble. If my wife had watched Body Talk (C4, Monday) about giveaway gestures of dominance and anxiety she'd had seen all the signs were there. Basically, our cat thinks it's an all-powerful Durham puma while the bemused dog believes all cats are pretty friendly... more fool him, I'm afraid. With the cat throwing itself madly against the dining door where tuner and dog were barricaded inside, I got a phone call seeking assistance from my other half.

"All you did was laugh hysterically," she complained later. To be fair, I did suggest putting the puma in the cat travel basket and was informed that this worked for a while until the unwilling prisoner's cage was spotted hopping about the room.

When we finally got round to viewing Body Talk, presenter Dr Peter Collett offered his opinion on the "tells" (or unintentional habits) which give away the true thoughts of world figures like George W Bush, Bill Clinton, Tony Blair and Prince Charles.

"He was supposed to be giving us clues about the people we work with. I already know that Prince Charles fiddles with his cuff-links when he's nervous," said my wife, who was deadheading a bunch of flowers with scissors in such a menacing fashion that I could "tell" it was no time for an argument. Likewise, the body language battle between Mr Blair and chancellor Gordon Brown, who wants the top job, was predictable TV. According to Dr Collett, even the art of being a good host and showing a visitor through the front door of your home is some kind of power trip - the key here is to be last through the door. Mind you, all that formality might be abandoned if Mr Blair's piano needed tuning.

If you leave out the waking nightmare that was the Eurovision Song Contest voting (BBC1, Saturday), the most troubled night of the week turned out to be Thursday. Not only did BBC newsreader Fiona Bruce suddenly adopt some severe-looking spectacles, but ITV1 abandoned home competition reality show Trouble In Paradise for more Builders From Hell, not that many may care.

Brassed Off Britain (BBC1) focused on problem holidays while another new series of No Going Back (C4) featured a Hereford couple setting up home in Crete without having done a smidgen of research. Andie and Marie Cox snapped up a derelict rural bakery on a whim and worried about how they were going to live there later. Recruiting reliable builders, water, electricity, access and research into potential customers for a holiday letting business were mere details. Even Marie nearly losing a baby in the process didn't bring the couple to their senses. The programme closed without the couple having welcomed one paying customer to their three apartment guesthouse after a year of torment. Secretly, you hope that things work out for this family, but after displaying such itchy feet and ambition I can't see them settling for the life of ever-genial accommodation hosts. Perhaps I can loan them a cat to keep the guests on their toes?

Published: ??/??/2004