No sooner has the blood been washed from the cobbles after the street fight between Eileen and Gail the mad gerbil than a posh Porsche glides into Coronation Street (ITV1).

At the wheel is Weatherfield's Mike Baldwin's nephew Danny, who bears an uncanny resemblance to comedian and game show presenter Bradley Walsh.

Soapland is fast becoming a retirement home for comedians and variety performers. First Shane Richie as lovable Alfie in EastEnders and now Walsh as (by the sound of it) not-very-lovable Danny Baldwin. Immigration laws may have to be tightened to stop them getting in.

Danny's left Essex and gone North after discovering his wife has been unfaithful. Pretty soon, he's following her example. He pops into the corner shop for a cake and ends up bedding Sunita. This is taking customer service too far.

The number of available girls in Weatherfield is on the increase. Unlikely couple Kay-tee the schoolgirl and Mar-in the much-older-nurse split up when he discovers she knew all about Todd the troubled gay and Karl the gay nurse getting up to hanky-panky.

Sarah, who didn't even get to the altar before being jilted by Todd, is taken to Weatherfield Hospital for an emergency Caesarean. Let's hope Karl doesn't tell her to push or he'll find himself being propelled through the window.

There's worse to come - Martin has to be pulled off Karl. No, he hasn't fallen for him. Martin blames his fellow nurse for Sarah's tragedy and wants to wring his neck.

Happenings in the Street make EastEnders (BBC1) look positively cheerful with only embezzlement, adultery and financial ruin to darken the proceedings.

Chrissie is spying on Dirty Den. She wants to know what he gets up to when he keeps mysteriously disappearing. Reading the front pages of the Sunday tabloid would soon enlighten her about his activities.

Pensioner Wilfred is caught stealing Alfie's grandad's medals. Fortunately he's not wearing them at the time. He's dead, which is why Wilfred has proposed to Nana Moon. Surely Alfie, who's committed a few cons in his time, would recognise that Wilfred is not all he appears to be.

Bailiffs arrive at the Ferreiras. What a pity it's not a hit squad to remove the family once and for all. Tariq tries to foil the bailiffs by swapping door numbers. Did they perhaps remove his brain when they removed one of his kidneys?

Zoe Tate has always been one of Soapland's most mixed-up women, especially sexually. No wonder Chloe is shocked when she spots Zoe and Scott kissing in Emmerdale (ITV1). This is because Zoe is a lesbian and Scott is not a woman (I haven't checked personally, but that's the general consensus).

As Corrie's Todd comes out, Zoe goes in. Unless a visit from an old flame (what an appropriate word in relation to arsonist Zoe) Emma and her new girlfriend can turn her again.

Let's hope they behave with more decorum than Chastity, a woman who does not live up to her name, and Carl. They are caught getting back to nature in the woods by dog-walker Edna, who'd follow Queen Victoria's example and cover up piano legs if she could.

Nicola looked as if she'd mended her wicked way after taking up with Simon the fishmonger. Now she goes and takes Syd on a date because he's hunkier. It all goes horribly wrong when Simon sees them together. The effect is like, well, being hit round the face with a wet haddock.

Published: 27/05/2004