LOOK, they're only exams. They're not life or death, make or break events. Sure, they're stressful - but only because we've made them so. In a way, all these helplines, revision guides and phone-ins don't help the problem but add to it, turning it all into an even bigger deal than it already is. And it's parents who are causing the problem. We're the ones who've put the pressure on.

If you want stress, then just think of the young soldiers in Iraq. Their split-second reaction really could cost them their lives. By that standard, exams don't even rate a blip on the stressometer.

We have never had a generation of students so anxious about exams. And yet we've never had a generation where it was easier to get a second chance. GCSEs, A-levels or whatever are not a once in a lifetime chance. There will be more. So maybe we could just ease the pressure off.

Of course, we don't want them to make a mess of it. Of course, it's easier if they get the grades they need first time round. But if we just relaxed a bit, they would probably do a lot better.

Students can cope with the work. It's parents' expectations that are the hard bit. That's probably why thousands of teenagers are contacting Childline about exam stress and why the Priory Clinic, best known for helping the rich and famous with their drink and drug problems, has opened a special unit for adolescents to coincide with the exam season.

Exams are important, but so are lots of other things in life. I've always been wary of league tables since discovering that one of the girls' schools at the top also had a record number of anorexics. Coincidence?

So worry about your children's exams if you like. But keep your worries to yourself. The best thing you can do is send them off with a nonchalant wave, a spare pen and a decent breakfast.

And just be glad they're not in really stressful situations.

AUDREY Hepburn, left, has been named as one of the most beautiful women ever. Interesting really, as her elfin features and tiny figure were produced by war and starvation.

Although the daughter of a wealthy banker, she was living in The Netherlands with her mother when the country was occupied by the Germans. Food was so scarce that many people died during the Dutch famine. Her vital statistics were a tiny 34, 20, 34.

After her great Hollywood success, she was one of the earliest film stars to travel the world working for underprivileged children and the victims of war. For her, it was no light publicity stunt but a too-real appreciation of what they were going through and gratitude at her own survival. The irony now is that The Netherlands produces some of the tallest, healthiest people in the world and to get that gamine Hepburn look, would-be stars in the Western world have to turn their backs on plenty and deliberately starve themselves almost to anorexia.

Pitfall of slimmers' potatoes

SCIENTISTS have developed a low carb potato which is designed to appeal to dieters. The trouble is that dieters, being dieters, will think that low carb means they can treat themselves to a bowl-full instead of just one or two - and be right back where they started.

A gadget for the gullible

A WONDERFUL new ironing machine costs over £900 and takes six-and-a-half minutes to iron a shirt - which has to be fastened onto it rather as onto a dummy. Six-and-a-half minutes? Most women could iron two or three shirts in that time. Most men too, come to that. Anyway, if you've got £900 to waste, it's probably cheaper to forget about the ironing - and just keep buying new shirts.

SO did you spend the bank holiday in a traffic jam then? Or in a queue or with a crowd of other people trying to get served in a pub or cafe or ice cream stall? We have eight bank holidays a year and now the TUC wants us to have more, saying that we're way behind Europe and even America has more than we do.

But the trouble with bank holidays is that everyone has them at the same time, which spoils the fun a bit and is why I rarely go further than my back garden. If the sun shines, the world and his wife are out and about. But if it rains, then it's a washout and a disappointment.

What we need are our very own, individual bank holidays, to be taken as and when we choose. On a bright sunny day, we should be able to ring up and say we're taking the day off, just like that.

Long ago, the BBC had just such a scheme. You had two days a year to take on a whim and they were called - inexplicably - bisques. Why a day off should share a name with fish soup I've never discovered. But whether you wanted a day in the sun or just to lie in bed with the duvet over your head, twice a year you could do just that with impunity.

Anyway, with all the fuss over people pulling sickies, it seems time to revive the scheme and combine it with bank holiday reform. We should abolish bank holidays as such and give every worker those eight days, plus a few extra, to bring us in line with Europe. And all of them can be taken with minimum notice. Even on the day.

That way, we could choose our time off to suit ourselves - have the right weather and miss out on the crowds. And bank holidays could become a real pleasure.

GOOD news - chocolate is good for you. The really dark variety improves the blood flow, reducing the chances of heart attacks and strokes. Nice to think of chocolate being a medicine. And shouldn't medicines be taken three times a day?

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