SOAPLAND welcomes back several familiar faces in the coming week. Mind you, Leanne Battersby is hardly recognisable. Father Les certainly has to look twice at the girl lapdancing in a local bar.

He, of course, had only popped in for some change for the parking meter not to ogle semi-clad young ladies gyrating in a provocative manner. At least, that's what they tell me goes on in such establishments. I've never been inside one, of course.

It turns out that Leanne hasn't been globetrotting as her family thought but working in a seedy bar down the road from Weatherfield.

No sooner has she set foot in Coronation Street (ITV1) than she spots her ex-husband Nick Tilsley. He's a changed man, having overcome the rare condition of being unable to keep his shirt on.

After being punched in the face by troubled Todd the other week, Nick ends up with Leanne throwing a pint of beer in his face after he tries to pull her and his current fiancee Maria off each other. They were indulging in the ancient Midlands tradition of cat fighting.

Expect more girl-on -girl action when the wife of new boy in town Danny Baldwin shows up while he's getting cosy with Sunita from the corner shop. Having bought pies and cakes for the factory girls on his first day, Sunita has him down as a big spender. The arrival of his wife Frankie will leave him short of loose change.

When randy Charlie the builder is stood up by Shelley, her mother Bev gamely takes her place and snogs him. I wouldn't mind betting she's pulled her last pint in the Rovers and will soon be joining the queue at Soapland's labour exchange.

A wedding in Albert Square is the excuse for the return of a familiar dog in EastEnders (BBC1). No jokes about Peggy Mitchell, please. I'm talking about Wellard, who hasn't been seen much of late, but is let out of his kennel to say hello again to Robbie. He was last seen going off to India, or was he going to an Indian for a takeaway? Whatever, he's back for the wedding of Sonia and the tallest man in Soapland, Martin Fowler.

Fed up with Pauline and Dot trying to organise things, the happy couple have eloped to - no, not Gretna Green, but Sarf-end. Let's hope it ends more happily than the Alfie and Kat marriage. Alfie thinks he's starring in a production of No Sex Please, We're British because he spurns Kat's romantic enticements. He can't forget that she slept with Andy the gangster, whom she jilted at the altar, to pay off Alfie's debts.

Ian the weasel buys the Ferreiras' house. How long before the greasy chip shop entrepreneur throws them all out into the street as we cheer him on? The bad news is that they find a flat. A flat what, I'm not sure, but hopefully it's many miles away from Walford.

Another ghost returns to haunt Soapland. At first you might wonder what Corrie's Maureen Holdsworth and Crossroads' Virginia Raven is doing in Emmerdale (ITV1). Has she taken a wrong turning? Not at all, she's pretending to be Simon the fish man's mother and is none too pleased to discover he's going out with Nicola, the reformed bitch from hell who's been treating Simon very badly of late.

Not, however, as badly as Sadie is behaving towards Charity. The pair are embroiled in a battle for the title of Queen of the Dales. A catfight in the Woolpack is only a matter of time.

Published: 03/06/2004