I HAVE had it with those extremely irritating phone calls from people trying to sell me something I don't want. They pick the worst time to ring (between six and 9pm) and usually begin with: "Don't worry, this is not a sales call".

The conversation that follows involves "vital market research", the fact my postcode has just been selected for a free kitchen makeover to be featured in a glossy magazine or the news that I've won an exotic holiday.

By the time they reach the point and I get the chance to interrupt and say I'm not interested, the dinner has gone cold, the children have set fire to the living room and I've missed the final episode of the favourite series I've only been watching for the past four years. And then, half an hour later, there's another call.

Up until now, I've (usually) been reasonably polite. I appreciate they're only trying to earn a living. But I desperately want them to leave me alone. So I've started compiling a list of responses to keep by the phone.

Now when I feel the urge to blast the receiver with a pump action shotgun, I will stay calm, select an option from my prepared sheet and read it in a cheery robotic voice, rather like the one the caller uses with me.

1 "Yes, I'm really interested but could I have your home phone number and I'll call you back to discuss it later this evening. You don't mind if I ring you just as you're sitting down to your evening meal, do you?"

2 "Can I just put you onto my grandad? He's a bit deaf and you may have to repeat everything a few times but please be patient, it's a good experience for him as no-one ever wants to talk to him on the phone."

3 "Do you mind sending me all the details in writing so that I can give your kind offer proper consideration?" (They never do).

4 "Let me just put you on hold a moment." (Make sure you have a tape recorder next to the phone. Put the receiver next to it and play your copy of Daniel O'Donnell's Greatest Hits).

5 At last, the perfect opportunity for your five-year-old to get on the phone and tell his favourite joke: "Quick, get off the line. There's a train coming!"

6 "You have reached the voice mail service for Ruth Campbell. If this is not a sales call and you have absolutely nothing to sell me, please press four followed by two hashes, seventeen ones and sixteen multiplied by the cubed root of 75. Then select from one of the following 762 options, stating your preference clearly after the tone."

7 "New windows? What a shame, someone else has just persuaded me to have them all done and I've paid for the lot by credit card over the phone. I couldn't resist as they even threw in a free chamois leather.

That's as far as I've got. If you can come up with any more, please let me know...

THANK goodness I caught a snippet of the new TV programme, 10 Years Younger, otherwise I wouldn't have picked up the vital fashion tip from its fearsome presenter, the perfectly coiffured Nicky Hambleton-Jones. "Women over 35 should never bare their arms," she declared to a tired working mother who had dared to wear a T-shirt. Now that summer's here, should we stay indoors, or perhaps we should invest in burkhas?