Building up a head of steam stuck behind the crawling caravans

It is on the same level as tolerating smokers in restaurants and theatres, and those who loudly use mobile telephones on trains and in restaurants. Caravans are in that league of nuisance-rating - just ask anyone who lives on a designated caravan route.

Over the months, I have steadfastly refrained from airing my Rhea rants in the direction of some of their drivers and users despite being held up by their slow progress and thoughtless, or even dangerous, presence on countless occasions. I have not grumbled about falling victim to some dreadful examples of driving and displays of a lamentable lack of skill by some drivers trying to cope with these trailers.

Now, though, I feel I must have a modest grumble. Yesterday, I went for my morning walk in blissful sunshine with the birds singing around me - and then a procession of camper vans appeared, all heading towards me. Four of them appeared in convoy, all exactly the same in name, colour and design, all bearing German registration plates and all containing two middle-aged people.

Then another four appeared, and another four, and then another four and another four - I counted 24 of these things, all exactly the same and all progressing slowly in groups of four into my village. Short gaps after every four produced a very long convoy. And when the last one had passed me, another appeared - at that stage, I lost count or perhaps gave up. I wondered if this was some kind of bad dream or nightmare, but it wasn't. It was only too real.

So why do I grumble about these vehicles, which were progressing quite smoothly, if a little slowly, through the lanes? Largely because they chose to drive through several villages just as children were being taken to school in coaches and cars, at a time when people were trying to get to work and when the roads were busy with normal morning traffic.

In short, they created mayhem. Our village came to a halt as these dreadful things tried to extricate themselves from the traffic. Hence my grumble. Why could they not have come at a better time?

This mirrors another such occasion. I was heading for a local airport, driving a relative to catch an aircraft, and I chose a route which started along our country lanes. There was no problem until I had to emerge on to an A-class road. I was just in time to see a caravan bearing down on me, so I waited until it passed before I joined the main road - and that was an error.

Following it were 42 other vehicles, all progressing at the slow pace of the caravan driver. As there was no dual carriageway, those vehicles were condemned to proceed at its painfully slow rate and now so was I. I wondered if the caravan driver realised he was holding up so many other road users - I think not. Most caravan drivers have no idea what is behind them and drive as if they are the only people on blissfully empty roads.

Fortunately, my route meant I could leave the A-road after only half a mile or so, abandoning the caravan with its ever-lengthening tail of fuming followers.

It is reassuring, however, that North Yorkshire Police are carrying out safety spot checks on caravans at weekends and especially at bank holidays. This is being done throughout this summer because of the growing number of breakdowns, accidents and tailbacks caused by faulty caravans and their equally faulty drivers.

Previous checks have shown that about half the caravans tested were overweight or had serious safety faults. During a check on the spring bank holiday this year, eight caravans were taken off the road because they were too heavy for the vehicle towing them, two fixed penalty tickets were issued for serious offences and 13 formal warnings given, with many other warnings to get minor defects remedied before again taking the caravan on the road.

A police spokesman said that too many caravan drivers do not care about their own or other people's safety. Now you know why I have these occasional rants.

I have received a note from the North of England regional office of the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds at Newcastle-upon-Tyne which tells me about an interesting photographic competition focusing on birds and other wildlife found on farmland.

The theme of the competition is "Countryside Alive" and photographers of all ages and skills are invited to take part. Professional photographers and young people under 18 years of age are also welcome to submit entries for the various categories, which it is hoped will celebrate the huge variety of farmed landscapes.

There will be three categories. - (a) bird portraits, which will show wild birds of the fields and hedgerows, (b) the countryside alive, which will depict wildlife in the farming landscape and (c) the modern face of farming, which will show the challenges facing farmers over the next generation.

Prizes of up to £200 worth of photographic or optical equipment will be offered for each category and the closing date for entries is November 1. Entry is free and is open to everyone, although professionals and those under 18 will be judged separately.

It will be necessary to obtain an entry form and full details of the competition, along with the rules. These are available from the RSPB web site, www.rspb.org.uk/countryside/alive, or by calling 01767 680551. Local information can be obtained from David Hirst at the Newcastle office on 0191 2126100.

Entries should be sent to "Countryside Alive", The RSPB, The Lodge, Sandy, Bedfordshire SG19 2DL.

Launching the competition, Dr Sue Armstrong-Brown, the RSPB's head of agricultural policy, said: "The countryside is full of inspiring images of birds, wildlife and the people who protect and care for them. "Countryside Alive" is a wonderful opportunity to celebrate our relationship with nature, what it means to us and how our future is intertwined with the future of our farmed countryside."

Entrants are advised to follow the Countryside Code at all times, obey the wildlife law and never disturb birds at the nest. It sounds like a very interesting and challenging competition and I wish the best of luck to every entrant.

An interesting problem is facing the congregation of the tiny, but historic, St Hilda's Church at Ellerburn in North Yorkshire. It has a colony of bats living inside the building, consisting of at least three species.

Natterers, long-eared bats and pipistrelles have been identified among the squatters and there is much interest in them, particularly as this is one of the few nursery roosts for Natterer's bats in England. The problem is that bats are fiercely protected by law and, although it is possible to remove bats from dwelling houses if their presence is troublesome, the same law does not apply to churches.

The Ellerburn colony is undoubtedly troublesome because the bats are messing all over the church, their droppings affecting the pews and floor, and it is claimed their urine is rotting the woodwork.

They gain entry through a tiny gap around the door. It is illegal to block this, so the problem is what to do about the bats. Some of the congregation are concerned about a health risk and, although numbers attending services are dwindling due to the mess, the church has attracted bat watchers who come to examine this curiosity. One churchman has complained that the law is unfair as it gives more rights to bats than humans.

However, a local Yorkshireman has come up with a legal solution to this problem. He has advised the vicar to baptise the bats and then confirm them, after which he will never see them again.