TV review

A Line In The Sand (ITV1)

Cathouse 2: Back In The Saddle (C4)

Secret History: Beasts Of The Roman Games (C4)

IT'S the story of a man who left his family behind and assumed a new identity. So how fitting that he should be played in A Line In The Sand by ex-EastEnders actor Ross Kemp, who has similarly shed a skin - the one called Grant Mitchell - and left Albert Square for pastures new.

Unfortunately, his new identity is much like his old one.

As Gavin Hughes, he sells agricultural machinery to the Middle East where it's being used in weaponry programmes, Blackmailed by MI6 into turning spy, he's forced to assume a new identity which leaves him looking exactly the same. He doesn't even bother to grow a moustache. Perhaps he should have asked Laurence Llewelyn Bowen to give him a make-over.

None of this malarkey, based on Gerald Seymour's book, was particularly convincing as Kemp was pursued by a killer. The killer had only to look at an old copy of Radio Times to identify him.

He could, I suppose, have hidden out in the Bunny Ranch, a legalised brothel in Nevada featured in Cathouse 2. This was an in-depth examination of what makes men want to pay for sex and women to provide it. If you believe that, you'll believe Ross Kemp can change his identity.

This Cathouse sequel was an excuse for women with names like Airforce Amy, Isabella Soprano and Sunset Thomas (whose brother John Thomas features prominently in her work) to display their wares and talk dirty.

We also met Jan, who looks like your aunt but demonstrates sex toys. Her job description is "assistant madam". She's been married 35 years to the same man and says she's "kind of innocent".

Customers included a couple whose anniversary present to themselves was a threesome; a father and son (who obviously believe that the family that lays together stays together); and Grandma Rose, who was "pushing 60" and had been sent for a liaison with another woman by her husband who can't perform. The thought of her with another woman didn't make him jealous. "He kind of liked it," said Rose.

Beasts Of The Roman Games concerned a different sort of animal behaviour - how, for 700 years, the Romans slaughtered millions of wild and exotic animals in arenas in the name of entertainment. How long before the idea is adopted by today's TV producers for Celebrity Beast Fighters. I'm sure we can all nominate one or two celebrities we'd like to throw into the arenas with the lions and tigers.

The games were important not just socially but politically. Consuls and senators were expected to organise lavish games at their own expense to say thank you for being elected.

As the Roman Empire expanded so the selection of animals became more exotic with crocodiles, elephants and leopards among them. Even if they survived the journey - and 50 per cent didn't - their future wasn't bright. When the Coliseum opened, 5,000 beasts were slaughtered on the first day alone.

This seemed an awful waste of money considering how much they cost to buy. Lions, the most expensive, cost the equivalent of keeping 250 soldiers on full pay for a year.

Incubus, Metroradio Arena, Newcastle

SO what's the fuss about Incubus? The five-piece from Los Angeles aren't a household name, yet can claim to be one of the most influential rock bands of the past ten years. The term nu-metal was almost invented for them as the squeaks, squawks and robotic noises created by DJ Kilmore on the turntables are added to the awesome musicianship and singing on stage. One moment there's soundalike traditional Japanese instruments in the background, the next you have a raw rock number like Pantomime, with singer Brandon Boyd's vocals soaring over 4,000 heaving bodies surging like a crazed sea against the stage's security barrier. Only Coldplay of late can touch Boyd and the boys for pure entertainment value, but even rock giants can make mistakes and midway through the set the sound is cranked up to painful levels. Perhaps it's the desire to fill the cavernous depths of this arena, where it's impossible to find somewhere to balance an overpriced coffee, hotdog and notebook in the foyer. But increasing the levels on beautiful ballads like Drive, The Warmth and 1984 just reduces one of the best bands in the world to so much ear-filling fur.

Drummer Jose Pasillas earns acclaim with a five-minute starring role, ably assisted by Boyd and new bassist Ben Kenney on percussion. Guitarist Mike Einziger massages the pulsating heart of the band's sound which has noticeably changed course following the departure of original bassist Dirk Lane. The latest album, A Crow Left Of The Murder, is a definite move towards mainstream rock and earned Incubus a No 6 album chart entry in February. It'll be a pity if this ends the experimentation of albums like Make Yourself and Morning View.

Viv Hardwick