If it's true that only the good die young, what are we to make of Mad Frankie Fraser, a legend in his own life sentence?
The East End enforcer is 81 now, what might be called a very old lag. He's about 5ft 4ins, looks a bit like Harold Steptoe scrubbed up for a reunion, or the president of the Over 60s Club, or Wilfred Pickles with an Elephant and Castle accent.
Only the nose might be Henry Cooper's.
It's still not bad for a man who spent 42 years at Her Majesty's severe displeasure - "her and her father," he gently corrects - was certified four times, has done more bread and water than any man alive, knows the bitter, business end of the birch and of the cane and was described by successive home secretaries as the most violent man in Britain.
"Well, I never smoked," says Frankie, " 'ad one when I was firteen, sick all over the place, never bovvered again."
On Friday he was principal guest at Spennymoor Boxing Academy's annual do, just as he had been four years ago - sent his train ticket, put up in a posh hotel, given a few quid for his trouble
It was an offer (as apparently they say) which he couldn't refuse. If this be madness, could there be method in't?
"He got off that train at Darlington like a little banty cock," says boxing club secretary Paul Hodgson, and for old times sake they'd then taken him up to Durham jail, where Frankie had insisted upon wearing carpet slippers.
They'd parked briefly nearby, approached by a uniformed officer who'd looked inside, recognised Frankie from his younger days in Durham, asked how he was getting on.
"What are you now, governor or sumfink?" replied Frankie.
"Nah," said the other feller, "I'm the car park attendant."
Last time they played the Fraser card a few eyebrows had shot vertically, but Spennymoor Boxing Academy aren't mad, just decidedly different - and hope next year to take their proteges to Australia as if to underline it.
This time the self-styled "rascal" enters to the tune of The Godfather, introduced as "Mad Frankie". The marquee rises to greet him.
Hodgy essays a few gags about teeth and gold plated pliers - among Frankie's favoured forms of retribution. "It was just the same when I was in Durham," says Frankie. "I always enjoyed being among Norf-East people."
In Durham they also knew his lifelong allegiance to the Arsenal. "The screws would shout the score through the door if we got beat, because they knew I'd smash the cell up.
"I love them too much to watch them live, even live on television, but I don't arf get ecstatic during Match of the Day."
His suit and pullover are grey, his hair has a touch of Grecian about it. His ten minute talk is rather more colourful.
There are memories of the time he got off a murder charge - the foreman of the jury had played in the same Catholic school football team as Frankie - of the day they beat up the governor of Dartmoor ("18 strokes of the birch, 60 days bread and water, two years loss of privileges") and of Jack "the Hat" McVitie.
Mad Frankie had liked Jack the Hat at first. "He was an 'orrible little feller in the end, though, quite rightly Reggie had him killed."
He ponders briefly. "In our world, anyway," he adds.
The message for the boxers, however, is to look at him - "42 years in the warehouse" - and then run like hell in the opposite direction.
"My brother was in the war and got a very high decoration: lovely man, dead straight. Don't be like me, be like 'im."
He signs endless autographs ("with love from Frankie Fraser"), drinks only mineral water, nibbles at a perfunctory sandwich. Since man shall not live by bread and water alone, they offer him some corned beef pie, an' all.
Next morning at the hotel the villain of the piece is asked to have a friendly word with a couple of the boxing club lads who've been going off the rails a bit. Private tuition, if not necessarily being taught a lesson.
Frankie happily obliges. "I know he's had his moments," says Robbie Ellis, the chief coach, "but he's a lovely feller now."
Ron Greener, more Darlington appearances than any man in history, is to have the Presidential Suite at the new ground renamed in his honour.
"It's a huge honour, I'm absolutely overwhelmed," says the former Easington miner, now 70, whose 490 first team appearances included 439 in the Football League.
Bob Gorrill, Quakers' new commercial manager, says they want to bring nostalgia back to the club. "What goes on at the present and in the future is very important, but that's not to say we should forget the past."
Gorrill also hopes that all 30 executive boxes, and the Platinum Suite, will be named after former Quakers' stars.
The official renaming will be on July 27, when Quakers host Leeds United. Ticket packages will be announced later, but they're hoping for a big turn-out.
"It's been a difficult couple of years," says Ron, "but I really get the impression they're heading in the right direction."
Vera Selby, universal queen of women's billiards and snooker - and involved at a high level in the men's game - speaks at Tow Law FC on Friday night and with an unbeatable offer. The £5 ticket price includes the first three drinks. Vera, born in Richmond but long in Newcastle, will talk about being a woman in a man's world. A few tickets remain: Charlie Donaghy's on 01388 730444.
Former Chelsea and Scotland forward David Speedie's appearance at Crook Town this weekend may provoke a degree of red mistiness.
Speedie, two formative years at Darlington, played three times for Crook at the end of his career but didn't exactly last long.
In the first game he was sent off after a minute, was also dismissed in the second, got himself booked with 90 seconds left of the third - "you'd have been off if it hadn't been so close to the end," said the referee - and decided he'd had enough.
"There's not an ounce of badness in him, Dave's a lovely feller," says Crook chairman Steve Buddle.
Speedie, a bit slower these days, appears in a cancer charity match on Saturday (3pm) in memory of Alison Langley, wife of club captain Les Langley, who died in January, aged 34.
Other guests include Darlington manager David Hodgson (who's likely to bring several first teamers), ex-Boro and England man Gary Pallister, Liverpool's Gary Gillespie and Sunderland's Steve Agnew.
Tyne Tees Television lass Judy McCourt, whose dad won an Amateur Cup medal with Crook, will also be there. She may not get a game.
And finally...
the only footballer to have played under both Bobby and Jackie Charlton as managers (Backtrack, June 25) was Mark Lawrenson - Bob for Preston, Jack for Ireland. Nobby Stiles had left Middlesbrough before Big Jack arrived.
Following last Thursday's debacle, Mike Rudd in Bishop Auckland invites readers to name the seven England footballers who since 1970 have missed "normal time" penalties in competitive games for their country.
We're on the spot again on Friday.
Published: 29/06/2004
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