Bad Lads Army (ITV1), The Real Bad Girls (ITV1): ANYONE who's ever said what unruly teenagers need is a dose of national service will welcome Bad Lads Army.

Thirty young men, aged between 18 and 24, are the "bad lads" who've volunteered to spend a month undergoing military training at a fully-functioning military base on Salisbury Plain.

Their crimes range from criminal damage and assault to organising illegal raves, adding up to 100 arrests, over 1,000 hours of community service and 100 months in the nick between them.

You don't know who to feel more sorry for - the recruits or the soldiers charged with turning boys into men. It all adds up to a lot of shouting and swearing on both sides as 1950s discipline is imposed.

Two recruits fail to report for duty on time. One turns up late. The other, we learn, won't be available until after a court appearance four days later.

It's pretty obvious that these bad lads aren't going to take to discipline when even responding to questions with "Yes, sergeant" proves a major effort.

After 13 hours Simpson, whose list of offences includes skateboarding naked, demands to leave. "Learn to be a soldier, it will make a man of you," suggests the commanding officer.

Simpson remains unconvinced. "Are you going home to lead your idle life?," asks the officer.

"Yes," replies Simpson, who's quickly given his marching orders.

One down, 29 to go. Then comes something even worse that being bawled out by the sergeant major - the medical. Apparently, what most real-life national servicemen remember is being told to cough while the medic held their testicles.

More tests followed - being given short back and sides (on the head, not below the belt) and removing all piercings. Most painful was watching one bad lad taking out his Prince Albert piercing. It brought tears to his - and my - eyes.

I wouldn't bet on too many of the recruits making it through to the final of the eight programmes.

After bad lads, ITV1 introduced us to The Real Bad Girls, a new fly-on-the-cell-wall look at life at Bullwood Hall in Essex, one of the top women's jails in the country. Does top mean they have the best prisoners or the best record of not letting them escape?

Oddly, the series opened with Christmas celebrations, proving there's not only no escape from prison but also from the Christmas records that pervade the atmosphere at that season.

Sheri was a 19-year-old single mother who hadn't seen her daughter for a month and was out of credit to call her on Christmas Day. All very tearful, until you learned she was serving five-and-a-half years for armed robbery.

Prisoners weren't even allowed to fall asleep in front of the telly during the Queen's speech as games were organised to keep them amused.

At six o'clock, two hours earlier than usual, they were locked up so the warders could go home and have their Christmas. If they'd have tried that on the unreal Bad Girls at HMP Larkhall, there'd have been a riot.

Published: ??/??/2004