NOW listen pals: you couldn't make this up. I have been invited to attend a course provided by The London Diocese Communications Officer to teach us how to write letters, to answer the door and the telephone. All the clergy have been asked to supply details in advance of how we do things in our particular parishes. I couldn't resist replying in a form that surely would win approval in today's church which strains every sinew to appear "modern":

"I have installed a fully automatic switchboard at the Rectory...

Hello, you have reached St Trendy's Rectory. If you have a star button on your telephone, press it TWICE now and listen CAREFULLY to the following FIVE possible options:

If you want Matins or Evensong, press ONE.

For Holy Communion, press TWO. For hatches, matches and despatches, press THREE.

If you would like to subscribe to our covenanted giving scheme, press FOUR; or indeed any combination of numbers you like in order to receive the Treasurer's immediate and undivided attention. Better still, press NOTHING AT ALL and call round with your cheque book at once.

Furthermore, You have reached St Trendy's Church, Holy Communion Department. If you want The Book of Common Prayer, press ONE. If you want The Alternative Service Book, tough luck, because the General Synod has just banned it. If you want the new Common Worship Book - well, do think CAREFULLY about this decision first, as no refunds will be made to dissatisfied customers - press THREE.

If you want Order One in traditional language, press FIVE. If you want order TWO in Noddy language, press NINE. Thank you.

Now please listen CAREFULLY to the following TEN possibilities: There are EIGHT Eucharistic Prayers. If you want prayer ONE, press ONE. If you want prayer TWO, press TWO and so on... Be CAREFUL to identify in advance which particular prayer you require, as mistakes cannot be rectified by this system or any sub-systems in this ecclesiastical cybersphere.

For example, if you want the prayer in traditional language beginning, "...who in the same night that He was betrayed, took bread..." press SEVEN. But if you want the prayer in the Noddy language which begins, "...He had supper with his friends..." press EIGHT, TWICE and please remember to specify Savoy Grill, Chinese Takeaway or Barbecue in the Garden. Light the blue touch-paper and put the phone DOWN.

If you want the Annex to Order TWO, press THREE, NINE TIMES. If you want the Gospel Acclamations for Ordinary Time, press NINE, THREE TIMES - and do your own explaining to the police. Decide whether you want the Lectionary, the Revised Lectionary, the Revised Common Lectionary (plus Collects in Traditional Language) press EIGHT again and have your credit card handy. For the Alternative Form of Confession (Sexual Misdemeanours, Section 99, paragraph 47) put the phone DOWN, come round immediately, knock THREE times and ask for Sister Wendy.

* Peter Mullen is Rector of St Michael's, Cornhill, in the City of London, and Chaplain to the Stock Exchange.