The new countryside code may be all very well but what about a guide to the urban jungle?

SO now we have a countryside code, so that townies know how to behave now they've got the right to roam. Jolly good. Shut gates, pick up litter, don't disturb the animals, all that sort of thing.

But what about when the country comes to town? Maybe we also need some guidelines so when us bumpkins go to the big city, we know how to behave. Here's how they might look:

* Avoid eye contact. Strangers might well be friends that you haven't met yet. On the other hand, they probably just want to beg a couple of quid off you. Or pick your pocket. Or make indecent proposals in a loud voice.

* Don't stare. No really, people want to look like that.

* Coffee? How simple can you get? Do you mean latte, cappuccino, skinny, decaff, espresso, double espresso, Americano... ? And once you've got it, you can put it in a cardboard cup and walk down the street with it. In the country, we take dogs for a walk. In the city they take their coffee.

* Yes, that is the price of a pint.

* There is no right to roam on city streets. You need to be quick-footed, purposeful and have lighting reactions, otherwise people will walk straight into you, step on your heels, jab you with umbrellas. Or spill their coffee on you.

* Many of the staff in shops, restaurants and taxi firms will be foreigners with a very limited grasp of English. This is your chance to feel you're abroad, but without the bother of a passport.

* Never travel on the Underground at rush hour unless you have fantasies about sexual contact with strangers.

* Dress for the local conditions. In the depths of winter, this means shirt sleeves for men and for women, a crop top, minuscule skirt and strappy sandals.

* Yes those shoes - just a few wisps of leather and an impossible heel, really do cost the same as about ten pairs of wellies. But, hey, who needs ten pairs of wellies?

* Don't expect to see city dwellers in the theatre or art galleries or concerts. They rarely go. That's why they say they couldn't leave the city, but really it's because of the choice of takeaways and 24-hour shopping.

* Sharpen your elbows. Queuing politely is s-o-o provincial.

* Make the most of the city, go everywhere, do everything - and then look forward to the train back home.

CHILDREN are not choosing the healthy options in school canteens, says a new report by Ofsted and the Food Standards Agency. Instead of salads, fruit and yoghurt, they're opting for nuggets and chips and deep fried anything.

Well, what a surprise. If we don't want our children to choose the unhealthy option, then wouldn't it be easier not to offer it to them in the first place?

Or maybe that's just too simple.

IT seems only yesterday that Senior Son was starting school - all shiny face, shiny shoes and a brand new He-man lunchbox. And then I must have blinked or something, because on Monday, there he was looking seriously gorgeous and all grown-up in best suit, mortar board and gown, getting his degree. Gulp.

A world away from those early days, you'd think. But then as I sat up in the gods at Manchester's Bridgewater Hall and looked down, I could see harassed university staff going up and down the rows, checking the students, telling them what to do and when to do it and organising them into the right lines for their moment of glory on the stage.

The students were laughing, giggling, chattering, looking nervous, waving for the cameras and twisting round, trying to find their mums and dads in the crowd.

And I knew just what it reminded me of - it was exactly like preparations for the infants' class concert 18 years ago.

Maybe not such a quantum leap after all.

THINKING of celebrating a loved one's memory by doing something cheering and worthwhile? Marie Curie Cancer Care are trying to make it easier.

The charity provides high quality nursing care free to give terminally ill people the choice of dying in their own home, supported by their families - and Marie Curie nurses often provide practical and emotional advice for those families, too. But it all takes money - about £15 per nursing hour.

If you want people to make a donation to charity instead of flowers at a funeral, have a word with your funeral director or get in touch directly with Louise Bamford at Marie Cure Cancer Care, 31 Walmgate, York, YO19TX. Tel: (01904) 621000. They usually get two lots of donations, via funeral directors and from family and friends, but they acknowledge them all in a grand total, so you will eventually know how many nursing hours you've paid for in North Yorkshire and South Teesside. A fine memorial.

Published: 14/07/2004