IF I was Cuticle Kate, the nail-buffing queen of EastEnders (BBC1), I wouldn't let Chrissie Watts anywhere near me with a pair of scissors. For Geordie Kate not only shares a business with crimper Chrissie but also her husband, Dirty Den.

Chrissie may be a good hairdresser, but as Kate settles in the chair for a haircut she should remember the legend of Sweeney Todd, the demon barber of Fleet Street. He slit the throat of customers and used them as the filling of meat pies. Once she discovers Dirty Den's nasty secret, Chrissie is likely to give Kate a short back and sides - starting with her nose.

The key word is "once" as Chrissie is taking an age to twig that Kate and Den are having an affair. The latest clue comes when Den fails to turn up for their anniversary meal, leaving the walls covered in paella after Chrissie loses her cool.

A quick scroll through Kate's phone - what did writers do before the invention of mobiles? - and Chrissie realises the truth. Revenge involves a pair of scissors, first on Kate's barnet and then perhaps on Dirty Den's... well, use your imagination.

Chrissie also needs her scissors to help Den's tiresome daughter Vicki, who's lost her American accent, but not her power to irritate people. She aims to become Albert Square's answer to Stella McCartney and applies for fashion college. If only she can finish off a dress that's part of her entrance exam.

The awful Cilla Brown in Coronation Street (ITV1) could do with something to cover herself up when she's caught by Janice Battersby wearing nothing but her undies. And if that doesn't put you off your tea, nothing will.

It's a long, boring story how she came to be in a state of undress, but I can reveal it has to do with Norris's hose pipe, two dogs and loud music. Not so much an orgy as Cilla's continuing battle to evict Janice from the life of lover Les. Will it never end? Only worries about the future of Cilla's son Chesney makes us care what happens to this menage a trois.

Another of Weatherfield's odd couples might be getting back together again. When Martin the nurse bumps into his former teenage lover Kay-tee it looks like their on-off relationship is back on - until daughter Sarah gives him an ultimatum. He must chose between her and Kay-tee.

Man trouble for Nicola Blackstock in Emmerdale (ITV1) leads to a confrontation over the chip fryer. She's jealous that boyfriend Simon the fishmonger is getting cosy with old flame Tash, who runs a meals on wheels business known as a chip van.

Nicola loses her cool after seeing Tash give Simon a peck on the cheek (and a free bag of chips probably) and launches herself like a weapon of mass destruction at Tash.

Alan Turner, a man who's enjoyed a few bags of chips in his time, wonders if Shelly is only after his money - much to the relief of daughter scheming Steph who's been trying to break them up.

More fighting among the King brothers over the cover-up of Paul Marsden's death. There's no much brotherly love as Jimmy, Matthew and Carl squabble over keeping quiet about the incident. Who will emerge as the king of Kings?

Published: 22/07/2004