THE black cloud hanging over Soapland shows no sign of dispersing. If anything it gets even darker and it's all the fault of those people living in Albert Square. Whatever happened to the good old knees-up that turned into a punch-up? Everyone's so gloomy in EastEnders (BBC1) that they make missing hard man Phil Mitchell look like joker Jim Davidson (which, if we're being honest, you wouldn't even wish on your worst enemy).

Dot is wearing an even more pained expression than usual after being told that her kidney is cancerous. I'm no doctor but this doesn't sound good. No wonder Dot's brow is more furrowed than a farmer's field.

Just don't mention that she puts on her glad rags and has a night out at Angie's Den, which is staging female boxing to attract the punters. Zoe and her mum Kat-of-nine-tales get arrested after a fight. A night in the cell follows.

It's not a good week for Zoe all round. Later, she ends up with a cut lip when she lashes out at Andy the gangster after discovering that he blackmailed Kat into sleeping with him to pay off a debt.

And when Dennis, currently holder of the title Soap Man Least Likely To Keep His Shirt On, finds out that Andy has hit Zoe, he hits Andy. Is there anyone left in Walford that he hasn't hit at some time?. Sonia may be turning into Frank Bruno - no jokes about her being halfway there, please - if mother-in-law Pauline Fowler doesn't shut her interfering trap. The last straw is when she decides to join the newlyweds who've settled down for a cuddle and a video in front of the telly.

Harry Flagg, the Rover Return's cleaner, has never done anyone any harm, but that doesn't stop him being given his marching orders in Coronation Street (ITV1). Clearly, someone thinks he hasn't been cleaning round the rim of the lavatory bowl thoroughly enough.

He's even denied handing in his notice at Underworld as he's sacked before he gets the chance. He heads off into the sunset in his camper van.

Would it be asking too much for him to take uncouth Cilla with him? We've had enough of her Carry On antics as she tries to prise Les away from the clutches of gobby Janice. This time she lures him into the back seat of the car to give him advance driving lessons on how to use his gear stick.

Little Joshua calls Claire the nanny (and his father Ashley's lover) "Mummy", which causes Ashley to propose. This seems a rather extreme reaction. It seems only yesterday that Ashley was bawling that he couldn't forget his dead wife Maxine (battered to death by serial killer Tricky Dickie's overacting).

In Emmerdale (ITV1), Dawn returns from Spain without baby TJ. This is very careless. The poor tot is probably still going round and round on the luggage carousel at the airport. She really shouldn't have put him in the hold but kept him as hand baggage and stored him safely in the overhead rack. Dawn wants to move to Spain which leads to that regular Soapland occurrence - a custody hearing. Farmer Andy, having lost his wife to another man, turns to crime by joining the Dingles in a dodgy scam involving his cattle. He's short of cash and his combine harvester has broken down which, to a farmer, is worst that your wife sleeping with your brother. The lad had better remember that the Dingles will want a pound of flesh in return - and not from his cows.

Published: 29/07/2004