Bad Girls (ITV1): WHAT goes on in women's prison Larkhall is so exciting that I'm almost tempted to change sex and commit a crime just to experience life behind bars.

The staff are certainly having a gay old time. Enterprising warder Jim Fenner is determined to get rid of governor Neil Grayling. He's taking him to a tribunal, accusing him of making sexual advances.

Understandably, Neil is alarmed by the charge and the accusation that Fenner's fiance and fellow warder Di (Barking) Barker "had a miscarriage as a result of a venereal disease transmitted by her estranged husband, the aforementioned Grayling, who was living a double life as a promiscuous gay man."

Neil is outraged. "They're trying to make me out to be some kind of sex monster," he fumed perceptively.

What he neglected to mention was that everything in the charge was true. When he offered homeless Fenner a bed for the night, he forgot to say that he'd also be in it. Now Fenner wants revenge, telling Neil: "It's time to move over - darling."

Learning that Di had conducted a homophobic hate campaign against her ex-husband - carving the word QUEER into his desk and spraying POOF all over his car - Fenner decides more evidence is needed. So he blackmails Stuart the odd job man (his motto: the odder the better) into enticing Neil into making sexual advances.

The trap is baited. Neil turns the corner of the corridor to see the hunky handyman bending over his tool box. Four little words ("I need a leak") and a knowing glance later and the pair are in the men's toilets.

Fresh accusations are made against the governor. "A trumped up fairy tale," Neil calls them, although Fenner concludes that "Grayling will be out of here before you can say shirtlifter".

You have to feel sorry for the female prisoners. They seem to be missing out on all the fun, now that rhubarb has been banned following a mass poisoning that left one inmate dead and several still in agony in the prison hospital.

One half of the two Julies - Julie Johnson - is still lusting after officer Colin Hedges following his Elvis Presley impersonation. He's tied up at the moment, not with the wing governor, who uses him as her S and M plaything, but trying to give up his drug habit. He's literally cleaning up his act.

Never mind, another prisoner has found a magazine article offering ten top tips on how to bag your bloke. "Grab him by the lapels and snog the face off him," is one of the more printable suggestions.

What a pity there are only three more episodes to go in this series of Bad Girls. How we'll miss officer Sylvia Hollamby, or Bodybag, as she's affectionately known by inmates.

She's just back from a racism course, although she needs no lessons in being racist. "I bet they haven't had half the abuse and prejudice I've had to endure," she says.

Published: 08/03/2004