THE Rovers' bowls team is in a state of disarray after the secret of Hayley, Weatherfield's answer to Big Brother winner Nadia, is revealed and threatens their chances of winning the championship.

But the captain of the Slaughterman's Arms team is adamant: Hayley doesn't have the balls to play in the final. Being a transsexual disqualifies her from the competition in Coronation Street (ITV1).

This throws Jack Duckworth and the Rovers' team into greater confusion that a one-legged relay team at the Olympics. With their star player Hayley missing, Jack's chances of winning his bet with Ciaran are looking as likely as the British winning more gold medals that you can count on the fingers of one hand.

The team's solution, after a somewhat alcoholic meeting, is for Jack to get in touch with his feminine side. He must dress up as a woman and play in Hayley's place. Presumably there is no rule that bans transvestites from taking part.

The factory girls spend the afternoon running up a dress for Jack, or Ida Fagg as he/she is now called. The disguise is so convincing that when the Fagg hag is thrown out into the street even wife Vera fails to recognise her dragged up husband.

Evil Cilla, who looks like she might make a living as a drag act with only a minimum of effort, is keen on taking a romantic break with lovebird Les.

The further away the better as far as most people in Soapland are concerned. As usual, little Chesney is the one who suffers - he's left home alone like in a Macaulay Culkin movie. Karen's in a right emotional state after a visit from the father with whom she fell out many years ago. He brings bad news about her mother, something that sparks unpleasant memories of her childhood

Troubled Todd, now a fully fledged friend of Dorothy, has been lying low of late but the love that dare not speak its name resurfaces with the return of Karl the gay nurse. The pair run the gauntlet of Les's homophobic remarks in the Rovers. Goodness knows what Les will say if he spots Jack in a frock.

Devious Dev goes off to visit Mad Maya, the woman he spurned in favour of Sick Sunita. This is not a good idea as anyone could have told him. Especially when he asks her to return the engagement ring so he can put it on Sunita's digit.

In Emmerdale (ITV1), Zoe the schizophrenic lesbian shows the sad state of her mental health by agreeing to let scheming Sadie and Jimmy housesit Home Farm while she's incarcerated in the Mad Maya wing of the Soapland asylum for the temporarily deranged.

Diane is distressed after her trip to Scarborough. It was probably the incident involving a donkey on the beach that tipped her over the edge. Rodney books her a holiday in Egypt to cheer her up, although I'd warn her to steer clear of the camels.

Dirty Den has a rough time in EastEnders (BBC1) after Andy the gangster discovers he's pulled off a scam at the bookies. The once great Den is thoroughly humiliated, just like a man who's been caught doing naughty things on the internet.

Published: 19/08/2004