Bad Girls (ITV1): SCREW Jim Fenner was fondling Karen's bra, something I wouldn't normally mention as this randy women's prison officer seems to think that having sexual relations with the inmates is part of his job description.

But on this occasion Karen was absent from her underwear at the time. Fenner was in his secret underground cavern where he keeps a shrine to St Karen, the former governor whom he has framed on a hit-and-run charge. The walls were adorned with hundreds of photographs of Karen and other personal mementos that give him a thrill.

We couldn't say we hadn't been warned. The private eye trying to prove Karen's innocence told her that criminals like Fenner usually kept trophies - "photos, personal items, underwear". His prediction was so accurate you could swear he'd been peeping at the script.

Plucky Karen had spotted a man on CCTV footage leaving the scene of the accident who looked like Fenner. Her sleuth was unconvinced, telling her: "That man could be anyone from Jim Fenner to Tony Blair".

Now that would be a plot twist, wouldn't it? And, as the governor of Larkhall is played by an actor who's standing as Tory candidate in Stockton at the next election in real life, I wouldn't rule it out completely. A guest appearance in Bad Girls could do wonders for the Prime Minister's popularity, although you would probably have to stop some people locking the door and throwing away the key.

Worryingly for devotees of Bad Girls, this latest series has failed to scale the heights - or should that be plumb the depths? - of over-the-top melodrama and sheer ridiculousness achieved by previous ones. But the final episode cheerfully threw logic and realism to the wind as Fenner wed colleague Di "Barking" Barker (formerly married to gay governor Neil and who got pregnant with his boyfriend's sperm).

There was a protest by two lesbians - a prisoner and a warder - about domestic abuse, a punch-up behind bars involving a very tall Jamaican and a vicious bitch, and a sance involving the wonderful Costa Cons (Amanda Barrie and Stephanie Beacham trying to keep straight faces while mouthing the most preposterous dialogue).

Amid all the violence and snogging, one prisoner was released - poor Tina, stood up at the prison gates by Ben the plumber who had "been seeing to her pipes" and left her pregnant (according to Al, her dead friend in the spirit world).

Bodybag the warder was busy chasing Malcolm, the prison doctor who wouldn't know a boil if one erupted over him. No wonder he flinched when Bodybag told him of her late husband: "My Bobby could do things with his feet that could bring tears to my eyes." She was, of course, talking about ballroom dancing. What did you think she meant?

It all ended happily enough with "the washed up homo and the hit-and-run killer queen" - Neil and Karen - turning up at the wedding and seeing Fenner arrested. "You're all out to get me," he screamed. How perceptive of him.

Published: 24/08/2004