THERE'S no lech like an old lech and Dirty Den has a reputation - and libido - to keep up as one of Soapland's most active lotharios. But he really shouldn't have tried to plant a plonker on the lips of Zoe in EastEnders (BBC1). She's not only his son's girlfriend but also a woman young enough to be his granddaughter.

The increasingly sleazy Double D seeks refuge in the launderette only to find Dot looking more anguished than ever. No wonder, she's waiting for a cancer operation. A heart-to-heart ensues. They get so carried away they forget to put the softener in the machine, leaving Jim with rough underpants.

It's clearly not Den's day when wife Chrissie returns and nothing's changed - she's still sporting those corkscrew curls to which you just long to take a pair of scissors.

She also finds that Den has done a runner - something to do with being wanted by the tabloids for talking dirty on the internet - and left Walford. Everyone wants Chrissie to stay. But it takes an impassioned plea by Vicki, the girl with the ever-changing accent, to get her to move back in.

Talking of snakes, Sasha the exotic dancer moves her pet python into the Ferrerias. Perhaps it will bite all the brothers and get rid of them in one fell swoop.

Andy the Walford gangster books his wedding to Samantha, queen of the power suit. But who will get to be bridesmaid? Surely Andy can find someone to do the job at gunpoint, his usual method of persuasion. Big Pat is approached, although her giant dangly ear-rings would be to likely to steal the bride's thunder and knock a few innocent bystanders off their feet.

And then there's Martin, the tallest man in soap and now officially the thickest too. Having married nice Sonia, whose fiance he rather carelessly ran over and killed, he now gets very drunk and wakes up in bed with a woman - and it's not Sonia. Some might say this is a good thing, especially as Sonia practices her trumpet in bed, but Martin is guilt ridden, especially as he can't remember what went on. There's nothing worst than adultery when you can remember the good bits.

Mad Maya continues to cause havoc in Coronation Street (ITV1) in the tradition of a woman scorned. Devious Dev and No-Longer-Sick Sunita's engagement party is the latest opportunity for trouble. She steals Sunita's birth certificate and books a wedding in her name. She's beginning to rival Big Brother's Michelle in her bunny-boiling potential. One day she'll serve up Dev a nice curry, a sort of Sunita Korma.

Crazy Karen is another disturbed woman. She can't cope with the death of the mother she disowned. She parties on the day of the funeral, disappears and then returns home vowing to become a better person. You know something is seriously wrong. We want the old scheming, sexy Karen back.

Double trouble at the vicarage in Emmerdale (ITV1). Laurel is determined to go off abroad to do good works. Ashley the vicar is distraught, chases after her and proposes.

Curate Ethan is still being targeted by young Debbie, a saucy chip off the old block (that's mum Charity). He really shouldn't respond when she gives him a kiss. The delay in pulling away sends out the wrong signals, causing him to get his cassock in a twist.

Chastity Dingle mounts a rooftop protest after Sadie tries to force her to move out of Pear Tree Cottage. Soon she's hurling roof tiles down on Sadie the scheming lady's car.

Sadie has more problems with husband Jimmy who wants her to have a baby. He might have been more tactful that telling her to cut down on her drinking as the first measure in getting pregnant.

Published: 26/08/2004