Accent more Clapham Common than County Cork, the great Charlie Hurley has been telling us - as promised - all he knows about hurling. It takes about ten seconds.
Though born there on October 4 1936, King Charlie wasn't even aware that Cork - known as the Rebels - had famously beaten Kilkenny in last week's All Ireland Final.
"I know of it, of course, and that the Irish are very loyal to it. It's bigger than football in some places but vicious an' all, horrible. I was a good footballer and I could mix it if I had to, but I wouldn't have fancied hurling."
He's never seen a hurling match, either, nor knew that the stick, or weapon of mass retribution, is called a hurley. "Perhaps it's named after the family; there might be a few bob in it for me," he suggests, cheerfully.
Officially named Sunderland's player of the century, his family fled Ireland's poverty when he was just six months old - "my mother reckoned it was a rough old boat crossing" - and his father found work at Ford's foundry in Dagenham.
For all that, and though he's only been back to Cork four times - "we looked all over for the house where I was born, but they'd pulled it down" - he remains proudly Irish.
"If the rules were the same when I was playing as they are now, I'd probably have qualified for England, but I'd never had done it.
"The greatest kick in my father's life was when I was chosen for my first Irish cap, and against England as well. Ford's foundry was full of Irishmen and they never worked for a week - mind, it was hell on earth, that place."
John Atyeo's 93rd minute goal earned England a 1-1 draw, Charlie - "just a sprog from Millwall" - tight marking England centre forward Tommy Taylor.
He earned 40 Eire caps at centre half, scored 26 goals - mostly set piece headers - in 401 Sunderland appearances before returning south.
Replacement knee and hip joint operations ("I left the originals at Roker Park") have curtailed his tennis though Charlie - fit and well - remains fiercely competitive.
"Even when I'm playing snooker or darts against my son-in-law I want to win. If you're a good loser, it means you probably don't win much.
"I was runner up to Bobby Moore in the 1964 Footballer of the Year. Everyone remembers Bobby, who remembers that I was second?"
He's delighted, he says, that the Rebels roused themselves, especially against Kilkenny. "They'll have had a tremendous week in Cork, but hurling's not my cup of tea at all.
"If I were you, I wouldn't even put it in the paper."
Though they were close friends and international team-mates, Charlie has lost touch with Ambrose Fogarty, who also featured in last week's column.
"Pound for pound he was the toughest little feller I ever played with, frightened the life out of people," he says. "If I had 11 Ambrose Fogartys I'd win anything."
It was pure coincidence that on Saturday at Washington we bumped into George Herd, who many a time played alongside them in the red and white. Now 68, he's still coaching South Shields in the Albany Northern league second division, still getting excited in voluble Glaswegian.
Herd instinct notwithstanding, Shields have yet to win a game this season.
On Friday night to Northallerton Referees' Society's annual dinner, where a presentation was made to branch secretary Barry Sygmuta to mark his promotion, at 45, to the Premiership line. Chairman Des Coulson, himself a Football league assistant ref, handed over a glove puppet of a fluffy yellow duck. "Everyone gives tankards," said Des.
Fifty years after Maurice Binge became the only player in Cockerton Cricket Club's 111 year history to take all ten wickets in an innings, they played a match to mark the occasion on Sunday.
It was Past v Present, 73-year-old Maurice only allowed to bowl the first ball. "I had a bit of heart trouble a few years ago, so it was probably wise," he concedes. "By the second innings, it was so cold we were blue."
It was Saturday July 24 1954, the Sir Murrough Wilson Cup against Walworth, when his 10-30 helped rout Walworth for 60 in reply to Cockerton's 73. Maurice and four others had failed to trouble the scorers.
"Usually I was only second change, but some of the others were away and you have to take your chances when you can," says Maurice, now in Acklam, Middlesbrough.
"It was still a very big surprise for me to get all ten, and probably no one more surprised than I was."
Now club president, he's still a regular visitor and properly proud of his achievement. "Maurice will never let you forget it," says club secretary Richard Cowan.
"If anyone takes the first five or six, you can see him wandering around the boundary, sweating."
On another memorable day, the only regret was that only John Walker and Tony Hammond could be present from the 1954 side. "Most of the others couldn't make it," says Maurice. "The West Cemetery wouldn't let them out."
July 24 1954? Burnopfield born off spinner Jim McConnon claimed 3-19 as Pakistan collapsed to 90 all out against England, PBH May topped the batting averages on 69.38 and JB Statham the bowling on 14.13, G Christon took four in successive balls for Middlesbrough II against West Hartlepool II there was greyhound racing at Coundon, Aycliffe, Belmont, Spennymoor and Holliday Park, Durham - all long gone - and Millie Murray won the potato race at Chilton sports. Since it was the cricket season, football on the Echo's sports pages merited not so much as a sentence. Times change.
News of Cloughie's passing arrived as the column was off to bed: just time, therefore, for a couple of quick memories from Ken Lyons in Stockton.
Ken was only a bit bairn, six or seven, when he and the kid next door were taken for a day out to Saltburn and recognised Clough and his wife to be Barbara in deck chairs next to Boro team-mate Derek McLean.
"We were just having a kick about when Brian appeared and asked if him and Derek could have a game. We weren't going to say no."
A dozen years later he was in the audience at Stockton Labour Club - an audience of about ten. Clough, tipped as the parliamentary candidate for Richmond, was speaking.
Politics notwithstanding, Ken asked him the best goal he'd even scored. "Young man," said Cloughie (possibly), "whether they go in from 40 yards or off your backside, every goal you score is the best."
A victory for the abacus, or its equivalent. Friday's column sought the identity of the only two players to have appeared for the same club in every Premiership season and sent Uncle Albert Kelleher in Hartlepool tappy-lappy onto the Internet.
It failed him. Three hours of book browsing later, Albert cracked it - Ryan Giggs of Man United and Jason Dodd of Southampton.
One today from John Briggs in Darlington: Villa won it in 1981, Sunderland won it in 1979, who won it in 1980? Prize every time, the column returns on Friday.
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