Bye, bye baby

FOR Wendy Reaney, the impact of her daughter's departure for university hit hard when they were standing in the less than luxurious halls of residence.

"When we looked around the accommodation I was appalled," recalls Wendy, 44. "It was like a prison, it was cold and there were communal showers and I thought I wouldn't let our Labrador stay there. I walked out and I thought I'm not leaving her there. I just cried.

"We ended up paying for her to go into a flat and she's got nice things around her and she's living with her friend. But this has to be the most stressful thing I've ever done."

Like thousands of students across the country, Wendy's only child Michaela, 18, has just started her course at university, leaving her home in Darlington a great deal quieter and her mum feeling somewhat bereft.

Life coach and author, Phil Olley, describes the feelings of loss and anxiety brought on by a child leaving home, either to university or a new job, as Empty-Nest Syndrome, a condition which will be familiar to thousands of parents right now.

"The children may have gone off to university or got jobs in a big city and moved away from home and suddenly the parents are left with an empty house," says Phil, author of the book Counting Chickens. "Psychologically, they feel their life is empty because they've poured so much time and energy and focus into bringing up their kids. All that's really happened is that their role as a parent has changed. But it can almost be like a bereavement.

"It creates for some people a lot of worry because you get concerned about the child going out into the big, nasty world and there can be a sense of a lack of focus for themselves. It can affect their work and it can manifest itself as depression, an inability to sleep and not eat properly. It's a little bit like when you're in your first serious relationship and it breaks up, that feeling in your heart is actually a physical thing."

Some people, according to Phil, suffer symptoms which ease after a couple of weeks. But, rather worryingly, others never really shake themselves out of it because they are unable to adapt to their new roles.

For Wendy, head of events and commercial training at the North East Chamber of Commerce based at Durham, the feelings of loss are relatively raw as her daughter has just started her law degree at Northumbria University. They have the kind of mother-daughter bond parents look forward to achieving when their kids grow up. It's where, after a lifetime of running around after the offspring, nurturing, feeding, watching them grow into presentable young adults, you can finally enjoy your child's adult company. In the Reaney household it included Saturday afternoons shopping, evenings huddled up on the sofa watching Friends on television and Sundays going out for lunch.

Wendy says she knew she would miss her daughter terribly, and Michaela even prepared them both for the experience by spending weekends and nights away at her flat in Jesmond in preparation for the day when she would finally leave home.

"We're friends and always have been," says Wendy. "Some people have said to me that they can't wait to get rid of their kids but I can't imagine that. It's like having butterflies in your tummy and when I do see her I want to check everything is okay and she's like, 'Mum! Don't!' She tells me everything is okay and I don't believe her.

"I can't help thinking about what she's doing, whether she's got out of bed in time, if she's had breakfast and what she's had, even if she's using her face wipes so she doesn't get spots. I don't think the men understand it, I think a lot see it as a financial thing, them going to university, but I don't care about that. I just wish she was three again."

She laughs at herself, fully aware that her feelings sound a little all-consuming. "I've got quite a lot of friends going through the same thing and we've been going out to restaurants and talking about it. We all sound like a load of fruitcakes."

But the Empty-Nest Syndrome is not just experienced by women, says Phil. "In general men tend to hide their feelings more, but I used to see it in some of the senior executives I was coaching. They couldn't put a finger on it but they felt as if their focus had gone. Also, people who ran their own businesses suddenly felt as if their priorities had changed."

Often, he says, the empty nest can leave a strain on the parents' relationship. It is not uncommon for couples to turn to each other after 20-odd years of ploughing their love, money and protection into their offspring and think: "Who are you?" It can be particularly hard for women who have never worked and have devoted all their time and energy into bringing up their children and creating a safe and loving family unit. Feelings of loss and anxiety can soon start turning inwards to whoever is left in the house and a couple can end up taking their anger and frustration out on each other.

"Quite a few people end up getting divorced when the kids leave home because they suddenly discover they have grown apart," says Phil. "They don't share any of their feelings and struggle to communicate with one another. But it can actually be an opportunity for them to re-establish their relationship and for them to get their own sense of purpose back. It can be a really positive thing.

'They should be looking at deciding what they're going to do next, deciding new purposes and goals for themselves. It could be something like taking up a joint hobby or an interest to fill that gap. It's a time to get excited about your own life again after spending the past 20 years getting excited about someone else's."

Phil also suggests the now old fashioned custom of hand-written letters as a way of easing the syndrome, for both sides.

"Receiving a letter is very important because it's tangible, the recipient can re-read it and keep hold of it, whereas emails and text messages are almost impersonal.

"Also, if the children come back regularly, at first it may appear easier, but it can actually make it harder for all concerned. The children will come home from university and the parents are eager to know what's happening but the child won't want to talk about it and the parents take it that things aren't going very well. It can actually make the symptoms worse. Parents need to show faith in their children and be encouraging and try not to show worry."

But there are those in "empty nests" who are quite happy to have the house to themselves. A recent report, entitled Over-50s Never Had It Better, revealed that by 2008, there will be a total of 8.5 million "early empty nesters" in the UK aged between 50 and 64 who have an annual disposable income of £17,872. Freed from the daily parental responsibilities of having kids at home, many are dispensing with the parsimony and splashing out on travelling and consumer goods.

The report, produced by Datamonitor, an independent market analyst, described a growing number of parents who were rewarding themselves for years of hard work with expensive cars, cruises and meals at flashy restaurants.

But for now, being excited about getting rid of the kids is not something Wendy can feel gleeful about.

"I've been saying to myself that she's just down the road and I work in Durham so if anything happens I can be there. I can go for tea or she can call in," she says. "In time I guess I'll get used to it because I'll develop a different sort of relationship, but it just takes time."