THE headteacher who insists children must wear safety goggles to play conkers has a point. "You can't be too careful, especially when health and safety inspectors are watching," he said.

Shaun Halfpenny even went so far as to risk his own life by going out and collecting the conkers for the children of Cummersdale Primary School in Carlisle before bravely drilling the holes in them himself.

But why stop there? Has Mr Halfpenny thought about the danger posed by bananas? If he doesn't ban them from school lunchboxes, someone is sure to slip up on a discarded skin before long.

And what about the lavatories? I haven't heard of it happening, but isn't it possible for someone to trip and fall into a toilet? And since you can drown in just an inch and a half of water, aren't the sinks dangerous too?

Perhaps it would be safer if children went to the toilet before they left for school and held on until they got home again.

Paper, with its thin, sharp edges, is notoriously dangerous too. Wearing padded gloves when reading would protect against paper cuts. In order to avoid serious injury, pupils should not raise their hands in class, and they can forget about sharpening their pencils.

Doors pose another threat to the safety of our children. They might walk into them or trap their fingers. Why not bring old hotel doormen out of retirement and employ them in schools to make sure doors open and close smoothly and ensure pupils are guided through safely?

Playtime is the biggest nightmare. Staggered break times, with children isolated in individual zones would reduce the risk of perilous person-to-person contact. But, since nettles are always a worry, exposed legs should be bubble-wrapped when outdoors.

Stairs, obviously, are a major hazard. Training courses could be given to both staff and children before they undertake any ascents or descents. If stairs are particularly steep, safety harnesses, ropes and, of course protective helmets should be provided.

In an ideal world, children would be taught in the safety of their own bedrooms via a home-school video link. Until then, as Mr Halfpenny says, we can't be too careful. Especially when those health and safety inspectors are watching...

WE may be a nation of animal lovers but we are also, all too often, hypocrites. That is why the plight of a cute, cuddly creature under threat always elicits much more sympathy than that of a scraggy, unattractive one.

But, hypocrite or not, I am right behind the animal rights groups condemning British holidaymakers travelling to Norway on seal killing trips.

On holiday in North Yorkshire this summer, I came across a stranded baby seal on the beach at Robin Hood's Bay. A man told me this wasn't uncommon and that the RSPCA had been alerted, so I ran back to where we were staying to get the children. They, like me, were completely won over by this gorgeous, vulnerable creature, with its huge, dark pleading eyes as it strained to lean towards us and rolled over, flapping its little flippers.

The Norwegian government may say hunting seals is part of their culture, but the tourists who pay to blast these babies to death with rifles must be utterly heartless.