With Fatty and Skinny, sorry Susannah and Trinny, on the case the current state of women's clothing seems to suggest that nearly all females are badly dressed.

Nobody of maturity should wear bold floral patterns, lively pinks, hoops or anything with lapels ever again... and God forbid you should see a knicker-line.

Poor mother-of-three Sara Waddington from York actually had her big "Bridget Jones" removed on camera in the first of a new series of What Not To Wear (BBC1, Weds). S and, most definitely, T bullied the poor woman into a blubbering heap as they changed her from a fleece-topped frump to a femme fatale.

"This pair are completely mad, some of the clothes they come up with are hopelessly wrong for these women," said my own fashion guru at home. She was fetchingly attired in one of my old football shirts and a pair of sweatpants that have seen better days.

To be fair to her, we'd actually broken off from a week-long struggle to redecorate a dining room which now contains the world's heaviest piano and a large dining table. Those who can remember Bernard Cribbins singing Right Said Fred are painting the right nook and cranny.

My paint-splattered partner was also less than impressed with Constantine and Woodall's new TV format of inviting five youngish mums to the studio and telling three to depart unclothed, as it were.

"So those poor women have to go on thinking they're slobs who aren't worth helping," she commented.

Those who witnessed the high priestesses of fashion appear on Friday Night With Jonathan Ross (BBC1) will have seen Susannah asking Mr Woz to estimate her bra size by feel and demonstrating the benefits with and without magic knickers. All of a sudden, painting the inside of a radiator becomes quite attractive.

And there was plenty of paint involving Rolf On Art - The Big Event (BBC1, Sunday) when the popular personality took over Trafalgar Square to present a giant version of John Constable's The Hay Wain. Did it matter that several of the 144 contributors to this gigantic Paint By Numbers creation had never handled a brush or scraper before? I suppose not, but newsreader Darren Jordan did at least inspire my brown skirting board with the wash for his first-ever acrylic on canvas. The fumes must have been affecting my other half who demanded: "Who the hell is Darren Jordan anyway?" Clearly the poor chap isn't trying hard enough with the early evening bulletins.

Thank goodness for Tom Baker's arrival as mad Uncle Donald in Monarch Of The Glen (BBC1, Sunday), well let's face it, Mr Baker just has to play himself. "I hope they're going to give him a proper sparring partner if he's replacing Richard Briers as the comic turn," said my Glenbogle glee club member, who has stayed with the semi-serious Scottish series far longer than any of the lairds. Although a lot thicker around the waist, Baker remains a star performer, even though we're probably going to need his Tardis to reach the bottom of his character's love-hate relationship with Molly (Susan Hampshire).

Published: ??/??/2004