John North: Holy chow

LIVING like a lord, or perhaps more precisely a Lord Bishop, we dined last Saturday - opulently, extravagantly, entirely agreeably - at Auckland Castle.

The Rt Rev Tom Wright wasn't there. Rather he was next door, getting his pipe and checking his pools coupon, or whatever it is that Bishops of Durham get up to on Saturday evenings.

The castle became the bishops' hunting lodge 800 years ago, their formal residence in 1832.

Once there was a metaphorical moat and drawbridge, too. Now the handsome state rooms and magnificent chapel are open to all, ranging - broad church, this - from weddings to product launches to the corporate team building baloney beloved of meretricious modern management.

"We've had a Scalextric competition in the throne room and a really good Elvis impersonator at a wedding," said Kim Fryer, who runs Auckland Castle Enterprises - the acronym ACE has happily been resisted - and reckons it the county's best kept secret.

"In years gone by it was very much the bishop's enclave. There are people even in Bishop Auckland who don't realise the absolute jewel they have on their doorstep."

And the incumbent of the relatively humble quarters next door? "Bishop Tom is very, very comfortable with it. He has been to, and enjoyed, several events," said Kim.

This was a gourmet dinner - nine courses, seven wines, black tie, £65 a head - entrance through what they call the gentleman's hall, reception in the throne room where hang purple portraits of a veritable bench of bishops.

Alwyn Williams, at Durham from 1937-52, looked down upon us with a certain Welsh whimsy; the 17th century John Cosin appeared more disapproving.

Michael Turnbull, credited with the enterprising idea, beamed almost benevolently; the late and much lamented Ian Ramsey, Bishop of Durham 35 years ago, is alone the subject of an unfinished portrait - and of a replacement.

The original, it is whispered, made him look more like Ronnie Barker, though Ronnie Corbett may have been more appropriate. Not for nothing was Ian Ramsey known as the Diddy Bishop.

The food's cooked up by Mark Mazzetti, who was an army chef, and by Sean Walker who worked at Harvey Nichols and for the so-and-so regiment of women.

"We've been using them once or twice a week but hope soon to make them full time," says Kim.

They should. From the little nibbles handed around before the meal - Yorkshire puddings the size of a conker filled with beef and horseradish sauce; scallops that were littorally lovely - it was all very, very good.

Guests dine in a room hung with the Old Testament paintings of Zurburan, recent subject of fears that they might needs must be sold to stop the castle falling about episcopal ears or to keep the bailiffs from the Church Commissioners' door.

One of the paintings is a fake, it was announced, the clue for the observant that the odd man out has clean feet, as if fresh from some biblical bidet. Zurburan painted them clarts and all.

The clue for the unobservant is the card beneath the painting. Unable to obtain the last in the set of 13, e-bay not then having been invented, the 18th century Bishop Trevor commissioned a copy from the more prosaically named Arthur Pond.

Pond charged his lordship £21, little less than if he'd bought the original. The bishop's reaction is unrecorded, but may have been rather stronger than "Good heavens".

The food was fine, the company convivial. David Fryer, the gaffer's husband, is a member of the Campaign for Real Ale (which is laudable) and a supporter of Chelsea FC (which isn't). He is close to conceding the Premiership already.

We were also much taken by a 76-year-old waitress called Belle, whose day job might once have been in Betty's, or somewhere.

"Belle's lovely, a real professional," said Kim, "not one of those waitresses who shows her knickers every time she bends over the table."

It was getting on midnight before the evening concluded with a dander around the chapel. A light still burned in the bishop's study - perhaps polishing some see saws, perhaps just watching Match of the Day.

For the temporary kings of the castle, it had been a wholly memorable evening.

* The gourmet evenings aren't advertised. Details of all Auckland Castle events on (01388) 601627 or e-mail www.auckland-castle.co.uk

CLINGING to the final weeks of their TransPennine franchise, Arriva Northern are clearly determined to go out on the charm offensive. After beguiling passengers from Darlington to Newcastle on Tuesday morning, the husky-voiced conductress announced that we were crossing one of Tyneside's famous bridges - "and if we had the time, I'd paint them for you". We swooned as one.

...and finally, an unseasonal apology. For family reasons we were unable to attend the Trimdon and All Comers Conker championships at the Royal in Trimdon Colliery, on Sunday, and for all sorts of reasons have been wholly unable to find out what went on. Though the leaves turn quickly, there may be a little more of those conkering heroes when the column returns in a fortnight.