Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two (BBC2); The X Factor (ITV2); Arrested Development (BBC2): AND how were the contestants feeling?, you wondered.

"They will be feeling ill, covered in bruises, their toenails will be falling out, they will be stressed, they will be panicking, they will be exhausted," declared Natasha Kaplinsky.

It sounded like some marathon involving extreme physical exertion over rough terrain for weeks on end - certainly not dancing.

The success of the first series of Strictly Come Dancing, in which celebrities tripped the light fantastic with professional partners, means that the second has an inflated sense of its worth. Like Big Brother, it has to have a daily behind-the-scenes spin-off to act as an elongated trailer for the next proper episode.

"Limp and lacklustre" said a judge of one of the dancing couples. The same description might be applied to It Takes Two, which watches the star dancers 24/7 as Claudia Winkleman presides over backstage reports, chats with the judges and interviews failed contestants.

Kaplinsky, who won the first series, is now co-host and able to tell how it feels for celebrities to be subjected to dance training. The conclusion was that they were all terrified, although as judge Len Goodman pointed out, this time the celebrities knew what to expect. So there really was no excuse for all that bleating about the tough conditions.

Motoring expert Quentin Willson and partner Hazel were the first couple to be evicted from the dance floor and gave their first interview - as if anyone cared - to Winkleman. Once Willson had admitted that "I am to dancing what Frank Bruno is to English literature", there wasn't much else to be said.

Even the focus on certain couples wasn't very enlightening. Jill (Halfpenny, alias cuticle Kate from EastEnders) and Darren were "little people" - i.e., not very tall - but had chemistry. Julian (Clary, the camp comedian) and Erin were rude about other contestants behind their backs. No-one bothered to explain why Julian's hair had turned quite blonde overnight.

As an advert for next Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing, It Takes Two was a failure. It didn't make me want to watch it.

I'll stick to the bickering among the judges in The X Factor (repeated on ITV2 last night). The big question is not which of the contestants will win, but whether judges Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh and Sharon Osbourne will reach the final without killing each other. The abuse is verbal at present but you get the feeling it could turn physical at any moment.

At one point, Liza Minnelli was going to follow Sharon Osbourne and star in a TV reality show with her latest husband. The deal fell through - rather like her marriage - and Liza is making guest appearances in the US comedy Arrested Development. She sang memorably that "life is a cabaret, old chum" but probably never imagined she'd ever be doing a TV sitcom in a supporting role.

Published: 28/10/2004