City Hospital (BBC1); This Morning (ITV1): "IS that okay?," asked the doctor as he put a nozzle in a woman's ear and pumped in water. It looked like she was being tortured.

The truth was that she was a patient undergoing a balance test designed to make her feel dizzy. City Hospital presenter, Roger Black, looked a bit queasy himself, made his excuses and left.

I deserted the programme too for the Best Daytime Show (as awarded in this week's National Television Awards) - This Morning. Fern Britton wasn't joking when she announced "a very, very varied show" as it moved from an interview with pop band Busted to the mother of a teenager son who killed the man who raped her.

I'd already missed the best bit during a live promotion for the show 45 minutes earlier, when Fern and stand-in presenter Piers Morgan were having a private conversation that was broadcast by mistake. Later, they had to apologise for what they said. Or more precisely, what Morgan said - something about this being a good time for a terrorist attack in the US, with the presidential elections coming up.

Clearly, this had caused alarm because Fern had to tell viewers: "Don't panic". Morgan had to state he had no inside information about a possible attack. "Nobody tells me anything," he said.

They might well tell him he's sacked if he doesn't keep his mouth shut.

He kept reminding us of his former glories during the chat with Busted, telling us he was the author of a book on Take That (I'm not sure I'd boast about that) and used to be editor of a national newspaper.

There was a mass of young fans waiting outside the studio for Busted. They were a lot noisier than the band when the show played a clip from their video without any sound. This morning was obviously a day for technical mishaps.

Fern demanded full details of Busted's visit to the Playboy mansion during a recent trip to the US. "Did you see Hugh Hefner's inner sanctum," she said saucily.

Then again, she did tell the trio that "you have given the girls upstairs so much pleasure". Thankfully, she didn't ask for a full description of that.

Then it was on to anti-social behaviour orders. I felt like ringing in and asking for one to be placed on Morgan.

He told Home Office Minister Hazel Blears: "I believe you are making some inroads into crime". I'm sure Tony Blair will be pleased to hear that.

There was also a competition to win a home entertainment centre, so you could watch DVDs instead of daytime television. The question was: "What do you call a lazy person who spends a lot of time watching television?"

Is it, viewers were asked, a couch tomato, a couch potato or a couch carrot?

The answer is none of those. A lazy person who watches a lot of television is, of course, called a TV critic.

Published: 29/10/2004