SOAPLAND'S immigration policy is in clear need of an overhaul as all sorts of undesirables are finding their way across the border. With his record, Dirty Den should be turned away and put into soap limboland - otherwise known as Family Affairs - until his case is heard.

But somehow he's managed to get back into Albert Square where we can be certain that the flags won't be flying to celebrate his return to EastEnders (BBC1).

He's been in Spain in disgrace after wife Crimper Chrissie discovered his affair with Cuticle Kate. Now he's back and no doubt dirtier than ever. First, he sends a singing telegram and roses to Chrissie in a bid to win her back.

She remains unimpressed until Den shows her his secret weapon - some papers. Judging by her expression, their contents are enough for her to welcome him home with open arms.

There's also the small matter of daughter Vicki and her older lover Tommy. Chrissie is coming round to liking him and we can tell from the lecturer's lecherous look that he wouldn't kick her out of class..

Quite what Den will say when he discovers that Tommy and Vicki are planning to go to Thailand, I don't know. If he's wise, he'll ask them to bring him back a Thai bride.

While Karen's away, Steve will play in Coronation Street (ITV1). He's agreed to drive his mum Liz and Deirdre to London, unaware they plan to enlist him in their TV game show team. Presumably, they're not going on Mastermind although Liz could answer questions on her specialist subject of short skirts, while Deirdre could be quizzed on spectacles between 1930 and 1960. During phone a friend, Steve rings Karen in Dublin and she gives him the correct answer to a question. The team wins the star prize. If only Steve hadn't raided the hotel mini-bar and ended up on the bed with Troublesome Tracy, the mother of his child. Can he stop at a goodnight kiss? And quite how Steve intends to keep Karen from watching is appearance on TV is anyone's guess.

Meanwhile the Websters, Kevin and Sally, are enlarging their social circle by going to dinner at the posh Davenports. Sally will be very confused if they serve anything other than fish fingers and chips with mushy peas. Later in the week, when Ian Davenport turns up unexpectedly for dinner, she panics and goes into full Hyacinth Bucket/Keeping Up Appearances mode, getting out the best china and cutlery (Sheffield silver not those free plastic ones from the takeaway) to make a good impression.

Butcher Ashley and nanny Claire's wedding plans are still up in the air. First he says that the church is fully booked for a year at least. The next minute he reckons he's got the church for a Christmas Day wedding. But will Claire want Santa as her chief bridesmaid?

It's beginning to dawn on Dawn in Emmerdale ((ITV1) that giving Scott an alibi for Frank's beating wasn't such a good idea. The fact that they were sleeping together and he was paying her mortgage may have had something to do with her actions.

Matters are coming to a head at the B and B where Steph and her father Alan Turner are playing out a rep version of Misery. She's drugged him and locked him in the bedroom so she can help herself to his bank balance.

Daz, the troublesome lad, comes to his rescue like a mini-Superman. If only Emily and Ashley the vicar would believe him. They arrive to see Turner being bundled into a car - not an easy manoeuvre when you consider his girth - and driven off by Psycho Steph.

Published: 04/11/2004