The Haven (C4); Lawless (ITV1); The Curse Of Noel Edmonds (five): IF it wasn't raining, I'd go outside and hug a tree. Does you a power of good, if The Haven is to be believed.

There are those at Findhorn, the centre for spiritual enlightenment in the remote North-East of Scotland that's the subject of the new documentary series, who can't speak too highly of tree-hugging. Resident shamen one Franco described it as similar to a sexual connection (and it's not illegal, unless you're related to the tree or it's an under-age sapling). He also said: "I can sense my own treeness", so perhaps we should take what he says with a pinch of salt (but no more because it's not good for you).

Residents of the community also talk to plants. The cook said he asked them if they minded being eaten. He admitted this sounded bizarre, as did the idea of a carrot pleading for its life.

One of those who'd paid £330 for a week at Findhorn found herself cleaning the mens' toilets rather than communing with nature. At least she wasn't required to hug the toilet bowl.

DI John Paxton needed something to relieve the stress in Lawless. In Chris Lang's gritty police drama, detectives took the law into their own hands after the killer of a policeman and a child got off on a technicality.

"It's not about the truth, it's about the due legal process," explained the prosecuting brief. Paxton's colleagues duly drowned the killer in his bath. Now Paxton's on the run in Newcastle after his best friend was found with his throat cut. Not only must he prove himself innocent but expose the traitor in their midst.

Little time was allowed for Paxton to admire the North-East scenery as he was too busy jumping off the Swing Bridge and dragging himself out of the muddy Tyne.

Some would contend that the man who gave the world Mr Blobby deserves a ducking at the very least.

Blobby-creator Noel Edmonds declined to appear in The Curse Of Noel Edmonds to talk about not appearing on TV for the past five years although, as he's now "free to be rich in Devon and run his group of companies", we don't have to feel sorry for him.

He ruled TV light entertainment for 30 years but failed to take over the world with Crinkley Bottom and Gotchaland theme parks. One of his biggest TV stunts were the Gotchas, in which celebrities were made to look foolish in Candid Camera-type pranks. We were reminded how Chris Morris did much the same thing to Edmonds on his Brass Eye show by getting him to pontificate on the dangers of a (fictional) drug called cake.

The Curse's conclusion was that Edmonds only wanted to be liked and was seeking public approval. I don't imagine he'll be harbouring many good feelings towards the makers of the programme.

Published: 09/11/2004