Considering all the wooden acting, it's surprising there aren't more fires in Soapland. Next week the whole place threatens to go up in flames for another reason - Mad Maya's mayhem in Coronation Street (ITV1).

This woman spurned has been plotting revenge ever since Devious Dev gave her the elbow. You'd think she'd be grateful to have got rid of the cut-price corner shop entrepreneur. But no, she wants revenge and you ain't seen nothing yet. Posing as Dev's bride Sunita and getting her arrested on bigamy charges was nothing compared to what she does next.

Maya torches Dev's mini-market empire. Soon the skies are lit up as his shops go up in flames. Only the one in Weatherfield remains. Not for long, but not before Mad Maya has given newlyweds Dev and Sunita a piece of her deranged mind.

Dev finally twigs that Maya is behind the firebombing after six of his shops have gone up in smoke. Mind you, finding a message "Six down, one to go" is also a very big clue.

Maya ties up and gags Dev and Maya in the back of the shop. That in itself deserves a medal. Anyone who silences Dev should be rewarded. Then she sets fire to the place, leaving them to roast on a low flame.

Can the Soapland Fire Brigade rescue them? Not, I fear, if they send round the lads from Steel River Blues, whose fire-fighting record on Teesside was less than impressive.

The screams you can hear across the cobbles are not coming from the corner shop but Karen McDonald's house. She's discovered she's pregnant, which is just as well because husband Steve is getting tired of being used as a sperm donor, forever having to have sex with Karen. You can bet Tracy Barlow, who wants Steve for herself, will react like Mad Maya when she hears the happy nappy news.

And Charlie, the builder with the bulging toolbox and new haircut, gets intimate with a woman behind girlfriend Shelly's back. He might at least have gone into a different room.

Lots of young ladies will be happy that Dennis Rickman is back in EastEnders (BBC1) after his spell in Soapland's rehab clinic for young men who can't keep their shirts on. For a while, it seems the treatment has worked. He wears a coat. But before long he's stripped off to a sleeveless vest. How long before he goes the full monty considering the emotional stress he's under?

Dennis the menace has decided Zoe is the girl for him. She's young and sexy - but she's not his sister and we all know that he has the hots for her too. That's Sharon, who's only his adopted sister so it's not illegal.

Sharon's quivering lips go into overdrive at the thought of losing Dennis, who's been slipping in her bedroom behind Zoe's back (take note Corrie Charlie, it's good manners to cheat on your girlfriend out of sight).

It all ends with a good old cat fight as Zoe and Sharon sharpen their claws on each other's faces.

Steph's torment continues in Emmerdale (ITV1) as she's charged with Shelly's murder. The police wanted to charge her with overacting too but decided they didn't have enough evidence. She's refused bail and her father Alan Turner disowns her. What a meanie - just because she pushed him down the stairs, imprisoned him, drugged him and sold his possessions doesn't make her a bad daughter.

Syd is down in the dumps too after being rejected by Chas. This is a first as she usually responds if the person speaking is male and over the age of consent. Syd decides the only thing to do is leave the village, which seems a bit drastic even by Soapland standards.

Published: 18/11/2004