Damned if they do and damned if they don't

THERE are some jobs that just don't pay enough and after watching Someone To Watch Over Me, I think social work is pretty high on the list.

This fly-on-the-wall documentary follows the work of a group of social workers having to make some heart-rending decisions in the face of real abuse. Social worker Di had to decide if baby Katie should be allowed to go home with her drug addict mum, Kim. Kim swore at Di and made obscene gestures behind her back, despite the social worker doing everything possible to make sure Kim and her child could see each other.

Then there was Jo, a hospital-based social worker who had to make a decision about a baby who was brought in because he was fitting and had broken ribs. The police were called and an investigation began, despite the parents pleading their innocence. It turned out the baby had a genetic medical condition which has caused the injuries.

Questions were then asked as to whether Jo should have acted so quickly in calling the police. Should she have waited until all medical tests had been carried out, which put the parents in the clear? But as she said: "You are damned if you do and damned if you don't".

The really scary thing was that these cases were not out of the ordinary, just the sort of thing teams of social workers deal with every day. A real eye-opener to a thankless profession that most of us will hopefully never have to access.

Can anyone reveal what Claudia Winkleman has in her tea and why it makes her act like a toddler on too many "E" numbers on Strictly Come Dancing. She is incapable of sitting still for a minute and waves her head and hands around in her own body-popping dance routine every time she looks at the camera.

The guests dragged in to talk about the fantastically camp Saturday night dance-off always look a bit wary as Claudia asks them a long-drawn out question, then cuts their answers short with an off-the-wall comment. I can't believe Miss Winkleman is really that excited about her daily half-hour show, so why does she act like a kid on Christmas Eve? A good presenter should fade into the background - directing the action but letting the show be the star. Sadly, when Claudia is on the screen, no one else gets a look in.

Round The Horne... Revisited, Newcastle Theatre Royal

ONLY the smell of Sunday roast is required to complete the convivial atmosphere of this tribute to one of our best-loved radio shows. An audience of a certain maturity swept up nearly every seat to revel in the days when the clipped tones of announcer Douglas Smith (Stephen Boswell) uttered nostalgic words like "this is the BBC Home Service". The few too young to remember the heady heights of Rambling Syd Rumpo and the incredibly camp Julian And Sandy could at least learn from these masters of charming stupidity where the sketch show formats of today's Little Britain are rooted.

The last living scriptwriter from the gang, Brian Cooke, offers us a tribute to co-conspirators Barry Took, Marty Feldman and Johnnie Mortimer and reproduces the famous Paris Recording Studios in Lower Regent Street to assist his misty-eyed audience... if only we were brave enough to shut our eyes and complete the transportation back in time.

Paul Ryan is within cackling distance of the perfect Kenneth Williams, the essential ingredient of this madcap exercise, and with a little electrical enhancement Stephen Critchlow becomes the brown Windsor soup voice of Kenneth Horne. Jonathan Moore and Sherry Baines are close enough to the wonderful Hugh Paddick and Betty Marsden to ensure our stiff British upper lips crack into roars of laughter once more.

The only unessential authentic items are the three flashing applause signs positioned around the stage... you don't need to be told to appreciate the Bona School of Genius. Now there's talk of a Christmas special and a Revisited 2 tour. Kenneth Horne would be in heaven... if he wasn't there already.

Viv Hardwick

The run ends tonight. For return tickets ring: 0870 905 5060

Boogie Nights 2 - Darlington Civic Theatre

SEVEN years ago, the original Boogie Nights, a pastiche of Seventies pop hits loosely strung together with a story of three young lads making their way in the world, made its debut to ecstatic audiences.

Boogie Nights 2 looks back on the Eighties, as our hero Roddy O'Neil hovers between life and death following an arson attempt by his former partner Spencer. Roddy meets St Peter, his guardian angel, and together they take stock of how Roddy has spent his life so far.

Will Roddy have the chance to return to life and claim his true love Debs? It's not exactly a cliffhanger in this feel-good musical, but David Essex as St Peter turns the crucial decision into a typical Eighties gameshow, with a return to life as the prize.

The music and dancing were energetic and enthusiastic and had the audience on its feet, clapping and singing along.

Sophie Lawrence, formerly of EastEnders, was amazingly good as Debs, with a strong singing voice which will stand her in good stead as Peter Pan in forthcoming panto. Ex-5ive singer Scott Robinson as comic turn Terry didn't have enough opportunity to demonstrate his undoubted vocal talents. Hero Roddy was played by Mark Jones, an engaging and versatile entertainer who seems to have it all - he sings, he dances, he does impressions - but he couldn't catch the girl when she did her 'Dirty Dancing' leap!

David Essex presides over it all with assurance, and well he might; he's still hitting those high notes and yes ladies, he's still got the devastating smile.

Sue Heath

Until Saturday. Box Office (01325) 486555

Published: ??/??/2004