TATTOOS, cigarettes, loud arguments, hysteria and food fights on TV... No, not I'm A Celebrity or even the arrival of Fungus The Bogeyman on BBC1, but the bizarre Family Contract (BBC1, Wednesday) which brought us into the clutches of the dysfunctional Hickman family.

Psychological therapist Angula Mutanda gave the bickering horde rules to follow for two weeks in the first of this six-part series.

It doesn't help his cause when dad Jim informs his wife: "Women are wed in white so they match the other domestic appliances." Chain-smoking, pregnant, mother-of-four Jane is little better by chortling: "Cigarettes never hurt the rest." Who said Dickens was dead?

Unsurprisingly, my wife found herself able to operate the iron merely from the steam coming out of her ears. "Where the devil do they get these people from?" she demanded.

Helpfully I suggested that someone else probably puts them forward on the grounds of irritation TV.

"Well in that case I'd better keep quiet," replied Mrs White Appliance, passing the ironing pile in my direction. She only has herself to blame.

I was quite prepared to watch Darlington's Vic Reeves arrive in I'm A Celebrity (ITV1) in Oz that night. Just one glare from squeaky-voiced Joe Pasquale summed up the situation.

The struggling comic was being upstaged by a more (that's Jim Moir, by the way) successful funnyman with a glamourpuss wife on his arm

. The whole point of this Australian adventure is to test the mettle of flagging egos minus partners. Now Jim and Nancy are apart from the group, which I suspect was Jim's idea all along. Perhaps experiences with wife No 1 have left a legacy.

Certainly, it'll be no surprise to see Bob Mortimer parachuting in next to keep his comedy partner in check, followed by the lad from Auf Wiedersehen, Pet in the final, final, final farewell building project of putting chips on the shoulders of other teeth-gnashing celebs.

Elsewhere, the law of the jungle didn't quite extend to Can't Sing Singers (BBC1, Saturday). There was a certain look of desperation from four singing teachers who each had to find 12 people with a chance of holding a tune in 12 weeks.

The Liverpool team includes Newcastle speech and language therapist Jaclyn Thompson, so at least we can sing her praises. My champion of the white appliance slave kept her fingers in her ears throughout most of what passed for auditions.

"What is wrong with these people if they know they stink as singers? It's bad enough suffering through all those reality shows with people who reckon they can," she said, putting the evil eye particularly on over-confident teacher Sheridan Coldstream (what a fabulous name).

On December 18, Jaclyn will be competing live on TV with the rest of her choir singing Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas and Wonderful Christmas Time.

The prize here is acquiring the ability to sing in public. The driving force for celebrity bug-battlers is a return to fame... or acquiring some in the first place. For Family Contract the bribe, apparently, was a holiday. One-way tickets dare one ask?

Published: 27/11/2004