It may seem far-fetched, but more and more parents are ending up in court after being sued by their offspring.

WELL that's it. Any day now, the writs will arrive. If not locked in the slammer, I shall be publicly shamed and end up broke. Humiliated, jeered at, cast out from decent society.

Record numbers of children are apparently suing their parents. Gulp. In Scotland, a Tory justice spokesman said the rise in cases was "alarming".

Well, yes.

Favourite reasons for suing include funding for further education, different access arrangements, and rights over medical treatment. Or just "a failure of parenting".

Well, that could be anything, couldn't it?

If children get writ happy, none of us is safe.

We do our best, of course. And if we turn out adults who are capable of earning their own living, of being polite to old ladies and who do the washing up at least once a month, we reckon we've made a decent fist of it.

They might think differently...

My sons have never forgiven me for making them play rugby with wrecked knees. OK, their knees were the size of balloons, but only SMALL balloons, your honour. And there was, of course, the time I sent Smaller Son to school saying there was nothing wrong with him, for him to stop making a fuss, and we ended the day in a hospital isolation ward.

But anyone can make a mistake.

There was also the problem of computers and televisions in their rooms (For 16 years, there weren't any. Oh dear.) and a sad lack of Playstations and holidays in Florida.

I am already dreading the thump of a solicitor's letter on the doormat.

On the other hand, these things work both ways.

We too have suffered - from years of lack of sleep, lack of money and lack of a decent armchair that hasn't been bounced into submission.

If there is anything worse than being summoned to the headmaster when you're in your 40s, it's lying in bed awake yearning for the sound of your 17-year-old son driving himself home for the first time. That's terror.

Then there's the small matter of the lost coursework finally found under a mattress, and my decent bottles of Rioja, which vanished entirely while I was away. A simple comparison of photos of me before and after becoming a parent should be evidence enough. Enough, at least, to counter sue.

Or maybe we could just settle out of court.

MORE scandal and sordid revelations are emerging about the late Princess of Wales. Whatever she was, whatever she did, she has been dead for over seven years. Surely it is high time that the poor woman was left to rest in peace.

THE Government seems determined to interfere ever more in family life. What? Like the Home Secretary has with the Quinns?

Pitfall of seeking

perfection

EXAM boards have been told that they should be tougher on sloppy English and deduct marks for papers written in poor English with bad spelling and incorrect punctuation. Excellent. Children need to be taught. But as many younger teachers are the products of the same exam system, who's going to teach the teachers?

Why it's best

to stay in bed

GOT a cold? Stay at home. Not only will you not give your cold to your colleagues - or drive them mad with your sniffing, snuffling and sneezing - but you will be prolonging your own life. People who struggle into work while ill put stress on their hearts and die sooner, say researchers from University College London.

Meanwhile, a Danish study has found that moderate drinking also extends your life span.

So there's your answer - stay in bed, enjoy a hot toddy or another cheering tipple - and get your money's worth from your pension contributions.

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