CAR mechanic Tyrone might as well have the words LOSER IN LOVE tattooed across his forehead. When it comes to Maria, he's blind to the fact that she doesn't fancy him. Time and again in Coronation Street (ITV1) she does the dirty on the poor lad.

Now he's even lending her money so she can replace the cash she's borrowed from the hair salon's petty cash box before employer Audrey discovers it's missing.

As a thank you, Maria invites her besotted ex-fiance round for a meal. No prizes for guessing what Tyrone's expecting for afters - and it's not rice pudding.

The poor fellow, bless him, buys a new shirt for the occasion and, inspired by a couple of glasses of red wine, declares his real feelings for Maria.

The romantic gesture is somewhat spoiled by a surprise visitor - the lad with whom Maria frolicked on her recent holiday. Like Tyrone, he wants to give their relationship a second chance.

As Soapland's agony uncle, my advice to both suitors is to look elsewhere. There's as much chance of Maria staying faithful as there is of Natalie Appleton completing a bushtucker trial.

Silly Sally Webster, Weatherfield's answer to Hyacinth Bucket in the social-climbing stakes, gets offered a position by business Ian Davenport. Before you jump to the wrong conclusion, it should be pointed out that refers to a job not a page in the Kama Sutra. Ian needs a new office manager as the previous one's been found with his fingers in the till. Stealing from your employer seems to be a growing industry in Weatherfield. Even Fred Elliott, I say even Fred Elliott, is under suspicion. He's being audited by the tax office in the person of Yvonne, mother of the fiancee of Fred's son Ashley, whose squeaky voice makes Joe Pasquale sound like a baritone. Unhappy with her daughter's choice of future husband, she wants to expose butcher Fred's dodgy dealings in the meat trade.

Cain calls Sadie a common tart in Emmerdale (ITV1). Rather unfair that. Tart, maybe, but she's certainly not common. Sadie the married lady has been double de-clutching with garage mechanic Robert, who has better luck in the love department than Tyrone. Sadie's being blackmailed by conniving Cain who's found out about her afternoons spanking the grease monkey.

There's a shock for Cain when he's confronted by a pair of heavies (and I don't mean Chastity's treasure chest) who demand money from him.

His answer is to threaten someone smaller than him, randy Robert, who hands over the contents of the garage petty cash tin. Goodness, the thieving is spreading to Emmerdale now.

At least Sam Dingle is happy after meeting Alice at the vets and discovering they have a mutual love of chickens. It can't be long before they're clucking around together.

Walford social services are clearly not up to the job as they approve Patrick and Yolande as foster parents in EastEnders (BBC1). The child is set to become another Soapland child casualty.

Elsewhere, Derek is casting the Nativity play, but who should play the Virgin Mary? There are plenty of Marys but precious few virgins in Albert Square.

I reckon Sharon would look good in a stable with a donkey. But that's a private fantasy and, besides, Derek has enough problems when his casting of Mary upsets chip shop entrepreneur Ian, mainly because his daughter Lucy isn't chosen.

The Shazza, Zoe and Dennis triangle trundles on with Dennis and his pretend sister Sharon sneaking off for a snog in the office at Angie's Den at every opportunity. It can only be a matter of time before Zoe catches them with their fingers in the petty cash, so to speak.

Published: 02/12/2004