I DON'T expect Geordies will get too worked up about The Spectator magazine's latest feeble attempt to poke fun at people who have the audacity not to live in London.

Journalist Rod Liddle, clearly desperate for more of the sort of publicity attracted after the magazine insulted Liverpudlians recently, called people from Newcastle "monkeys" and "morons". But Geordies are much too confident to fall for that.

Interestingly, to illustrate his point about the supposed stupidity and ignorance of lardy Geordies, Liddle tells the story of a Newcastle woman questioned for a survey on healthy eating as she queued to pay for her groceries. "But I don't like healthy food. I like unhealthy food," she said.

Liddle sneered. But the woman only spoke the truth. And, she pinpointed the crux of the whole problem. Fatty, sugary, salty foods are tastier. This is something we all, including the chubby Mr Liddle, grapple with every day.

It could explain why the Government's recent campaign to get us all to eat more fresh fruit and vegetables has done just the opposite. The more we try to deny ourselves all those foods that are bad for us, the more we find them irresistible. "Fact", as David Brent would say.

If the Spectator had a few plain-speaking Geordies on its staff, perhaps it would churn out less drivel.

PETER Webster, the grieving father of a 14-year-old girl killed in last month's rail crash in Berkshire is calling for seat belts on all high-speed trains in the face of overwhelming evidence that it would save lives and reduce injuries. But the rail industry says there is no point because many passengers have to stand.

We would never tolerate standing on planes or coaches travelling on motorways, so how come rail companies get away with squeezing as many people as they can into overcrowded carriages on high-speed trains?

THE extremely tricky Victorian exam for 11-year-olds, published this week, didn't illustrate declining standards so much as how dramatically our world has changed. Our children don't need to calculate using pounds, shillings and pence, any more than children of 1898 needed to be fluent with computers.

But a conversation I had with our nine-year-old this week brought home just how fast changing our world has been. After he returned from a friend's birthday party at the indoor ski centre in Castleford, I asked him if he realised it had been built on top of an old mine. "Honestly?" he said, totally oblivious to the region's proud coal mining history. "Was it a real gold mine?" If only.

IF a woman was so desperate for children, with all the odds - from a ticking biological clock to a husband who had had a vasectomy - stacked against her, you would think that a Cabinet minister would be the perfect partner for a fling. Because who would have thought a prominent politician would fight through the courts to prove he had fathered an illegitimate child?

NANCY Dell'Olio demanded £300,000 to appear on Celebrity Big Brother. Vic Reeves and Nancy Sorrell received £150,000 for their short stint in I'm A Celebrity. Why still the pretence that these shows are designed to raise money for charity? They exist to up ratings, celebrity profiles and the bank accounts of a few people who are rich enough already.