Can't Buy Me Love (ITV1): DONNA Harris reflects, at the end of this modern day morality tale, that we're all going to the same place sooner or later and it's all a case of how we get there - by slow boat or rollercoaster.

She feels she's "a rollercoaster kind of a girl". I wouldn't agree, this one-off drama seemed a very slow ride indeed.

EastEnders writer and Hustle creator Tony Jordan's script was inspired by the true tale of a Doncaster painter and decorator who tried to save his marriage by pretending he'd won the lottery. The location shifted to Essex, which had the advantage of not making Martin Kemp attempt a Yorkshire accent.

He was Alan Harris, who appeared to be auditioning for Confessions of a Handyman as he was seen leaving satisfied customers - female, in their lingerie - on the doorstep after touching up their skirting boards with a dab of Dulux.

This loving husband and father also had a mistress, who worked in the local wine bar. When the bank wouldn't lend him any money, he asked her upstairs to talk about a business proposition. Their discussions on deposits and withdrawals led to her lending him a large sum of money to set up a wine bar.

So when his wife threatened to end their marriage, he persuaded her to stay by saying he'd won the lottery. He proved it by cashing a cheque for £3,000 at the bank before her very eyes.

Friends organised a surprise party to congratulate him. Wife Donna drew up a list of how they'd spend the £8.9m he claimed to have won. A story in the local paper alerted his mistress to his win. She urged him to leave his wife and share his winnings with her.

The bank let him spend millions despite not banking the lottery cheque, claiming he'd been given the interest to be going on with. It was a surprise he wasn't arrested sooner, although I suppose everyone loves a winner. At this point, Can't Buy Me Love suddenly realised it was running out of time and dealt with his imprisonment, release and reunion with his missus in about ten minutes.

Kemp, not the most versatile of actors in my book, had blond streaks but played Alan the same as he plays every part. Michelle Collins was hardly stretched as Donna, and even she couldn't convince us that his wife really would take him back after all the lies and deceit.

Published: 14/12/2004