RIGHT, that's it, time to stop shopping now. Fight the urge, put away your credit card, hide your purse, the car keys. Just think of everything you have already bought and Don't Buy Any More.

It's the same very year. There's something about the last few days before Christmas that sends us all into a panic.

However carefully we've shopped and planned, we seem driven to go out and spend some more. It's probably the fault of the shops and stores, so determined to get our last penny from us that their desperate adverts deprive us of all common sense.

Even those smug shoppers who bought all their presents in the January sales have been known to have the odd palpitation and dash out and buy a lavender heat pillow or a superfluous box of chocolate gingers. Maybe even some socks with reindeers on. Or a party platter of gristly sausages and tasteless chicken.

You are meant to be buying a few extra treats for a few extra people for a few extra days. But what many of us do is stock up as though we were about to go through the siege of Stalingrad.

The best thing I ever did a few Christmases ago was to be rushed into hospital the week before. It was brilliant, because even when I came out, I was not well enough to go shopping. I saved myself a fortune.

We had all the presents, mountains of food and drink, nuts, sweets and plenty of chocs. Yet I know that if I hadn't been ill, I'd have been out there, battling through the crowds, determined to spend money I didn't have on things we didn't need - just because it was last minute and the shops were going to be closed for all of 48 hours. I don't know what you've bought so far, but I wouldn't mind a bet that it's more than enough. So make yourself a coffee, pour yourself a drink, cope with the withdrawal symptoms.

And after all, the shops will still be there next week.

TIME to carve out a new skill. Tesco are holding master classes in how to carve a turkey. Simpsons in the Strand - a restaurant which specialises in huge joints of roast beef - has found that carving lessons are so popular they're booked up till Easter.

Never mind skill, the secret to proper carving is simply a knife that's lethally sharp.

But it's not just carving knives that confuse us.

Increasingly in pubs and restaurants you see children and teenagers who can't use a knife and fork. They're not just unable to use them in the way our grannies would have deemed "proper", but they just can't use them at all, simply cannot manoeuvre them to cut up the food and convey it to their mouths.

For them, a knife and fork is a secret as mysterious as chopsticks.

So I bet an awful lot of them will be eating their Christmas dinner with their fingers.

Maybe Tesco should consider some knife and fork classes just for them.

LET'S hear it for Mother Christmas. You know how it is. Everyone knows about the big fellow. He's always out and about in his second best suit, pushing his profile, getting the glory - shopping centres, stores, parades and displays, doing show off dangerous stunts on roofs and chimneys - and you just can't keep him off the telly, with his promise of presents and his ho-ho-ho.

Meanwhile, of course, Mrs Santa is back at the grotto, doing the hard work, keeping the elves busy, not letting the little helpers slacken off, feeding the reindeer, filling the sacks, ironing Santa's best suit for Christmas Eve.

And what recognition does she get? Precious little. It's always the same. Behind every great man there's a woman doing most of the work for none of the glory.

So to all you Mother Santas out there, I hope you have a brilliant Christmas - no crises, no chaos, no tantrums. I hope you don't have to spend half the time being a cross between Delia and Nigella - and the other half being the equivalent of the United Nations peacekeeping force, or a Victorian skivvy.

It is, after all, your Christmas too, and I hope you have a happy one.

BUT maybe I'm too late... Some friends called in B&Q in Durham on Monday to buy a Christmas tree and only just managed to get one.

"You're very lucky," said the assistant, offering them a discount "Christmas is over. We're starting on Easter now."

Enjoy your hot cross buns...