Teachers (BBC1)
Diana's Will (five)
A Christmas-themed wedding sounds like a great idea - until you learn that the participants are teacher Bob and Ping, the Thai takeaway bride purchased over the Internet.
Teachers got into the holly-and-tinsel mood with Bob's wedding grotto, set up in the school playground where the teachers are more foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed and unruly than any pupil.
As well as Bob getting wed, head Claire had to cope with a visit from the school inspector. Her method of winning approval was to wear a short skirt and flirt with the inspector, until she discovered it was a woman.
Head of English Ewan was called upon to do his duty and chat up the besotted inspector. "You don't have to do anything you want to as long as she's compromised," was the head's instruction.
Neither wedding nor inspection went to plan. Bob threatened to throw himself off the roof after Ewan admitted he'd had "bang-bang" (that's Thai for sex) with Ping. A pupil with an axe went berserk. And the religious teacher was nailed to the wall despite his protestations that "You've got it wrong, he wasn't crucified until Easter".
Christmas isn't the only time for giving, although try telling that to the 17 godchildren of Princess Diana. In a "letter of wishes" attached to her will, she bequeathed her chattels to those children. Her executors had the letter set aside in the High Court and chose individual gifts for the godchildren instead. They included a watercolour painting that was a corporate gift to the princess from Argos.
Posh people's mag Tatler took up the cause to highlight the injustice of the executors' action, described as "legally proper but not morally appropriate".
It doesn't seem odd that the controversy that surrounded Diana in life should continue after her death. Diana's Will didn't reveal anything we didn't know already but did a competent job of pulling together the strands of the story to give the big picture.
A series of bitter disputes has surrounded the will and the trust fund set up in her memory, with rivalry for control of what might be called the Diana industry between the Windsors and the Spencers.
Earl Spencer took her body back to the Althorp family estate, although he'd refused his sister a cottage there when her life was in turmoil. Her sister and her mother had a third executor, her former private secretary, replaced by the Bishop of London but kept him in the dark about the letter of wishes.
This emerged during the case - which, for once, deserved the adjective sensational - against Diana's butler Paul Burrell for having Diana's personal possessions. The case was thrown out after no less a person than the Queen remembered that he'd told her all about taking them for safe-keeping.
Then there was the case brough by the trust against the American Franklin Mint over the sale of the Diana doll that cost them £4m in legal fees.
Seven years after her death, the will is still causing conflict at home and abroad. Diana's legacy looks like being a never-ending story.
The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe
Quarry Theatre, West Yorkshire Playhouse
Last year riverside animals in Toad Of Toad Hall. This year lions, fauns and eagles. I spot a trend developing in West Yorkshire Playhouse's main house Christmas show.
To be fair, humans also have a role to play in this lavish production of Adrian Mitchell's dramatisation of the C S Lewis book, notably the four children evacuated to the country during the Second World War.
They step inside a wardrobe and discover the world of Narnia, which is in the grip of permanent winter, thanks to the icy stare of the White Witch. The youngsters must unite with Aslan, the lion king, to overthrow her.
Director Ian Brown ensures that those who want to consider the religious symbolism in the tale can do so, while others can simply enjoy a rousing adventure in which good overcomes evil.
Michael Skyers' Aslan is a mighty beast, despite looking like Lenny Henry in a Tina Turner wig, who easily commands our attention as he leads the children (Dominic Charles-Rouse, Louisa McCarthy, Richard Frame and Claire Redcliffe - all suitably childish) into battle.
Ian Conningham's faun Mr Tumnus is a real scene-stealer, along with the Mr and Mrs Beaver of David Streames and Lisa Howard.
But the real stars are the designers. Stephen Snell's costumes are fabulous while Ruari Murchison's designs are visually stunning as they blend sets, props and film in a magical mix.
Until February 5. Tickets 0113 213 7700.
Steve Pratt
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