TAXI firms in Walford and Weatherfield can look forward to a bumper Christmas. Residents of Soapland are queuing up for a cab to take them to pastures new.

At least Karen McDonald should have no trouble getting one - husband (but for how much longer?) Steve runs Streetcars in Coronation Street (ITV1). Christmas cheer is in short in Weatherfield where relations between Karen and Tracy are as frosty as ever.

Understandable really as Karen's lost her much-desired baby and Tracy has Amy, one Steve made earlier. The idea of them kissing and making up is unlikely, especially after Karen steals a car, unaware that baby Amy is in the back. A worried Steve and Tracy fear the worst when they find the vehicle ablaze at the Red Rec.

Back in the Street, Tracy follows Karen on to the roof of the Underworld factory. Weatherfield's version of Cats On A Wet Tin Roof ensues. Mindful that what goes up must come down, we can only pray they use the stairs and not go over the edge. Perhaps a hearse rather than a taxi will be more suitable for Karen's dramatic exit.

On a happier note, squeaky-voice Ashley and his love Cluuuure get married on Christmas Day. Fred Elliot will tell you that the event doesn't pass without incident, I say, doesn't pass without incident. I don't just mean the guard of honour created by meat cleavers under which they pass coming out of the church. That's asking for trouble. One slip and it'll be chops for dinner.

Other hitches on the way to getting hitched include a rip in the wedding dress, a child that refuses to take off his Spiderman outfit, a car that breaks down and the organist falling ill. Oh, and it snows.

As one couple tie the knot, another in EastEnders (BBC1) untie it - and try to strangle each other with the rope. Sam is busy getting rid of her assets, by selling her large collection of power suits and her single brain cell. She must have been dim to marry Andy the gangster, who only wanted her for her Mitchell money.

Sam ends up spending Christmas Day with her faithful lapdog Minty, who isn't minted but has shown undying devotion to silly Sam.

One repercussion of Sam's need to finance brother Phil's flight from the country is that Dirty Den ends up owning the Queen Vic again. This is bad news for landlord Alfie Moon, who finds there's no room at the inn on Christmas Eve. He's evicted to go in search of a stable. That casts Nana Moon as Mary (I know she's Alfie's grandmother but a degree of poetic licence is allowed at this time of year) and Spencer as the donkey (or silly ass, as he's popularly known) in Walford's very own nativity play.

Double-D has other things on his mind that pulling pints after spotting Dennis and his pretend sister Sharon having a snog. Their affair is a secret no longer, so Dennis's girlfriend Zoe does the only thing she can do - she says she's pregnant.

The news sends Sharon's pouting lips into top gear and she calls a taxi. She exits the Square accompanied by Vicki, the girl who hasn't been the same since she lost her American accent.

Poor Dennis is left vowing to stand by Zoe, although if she really is pregnant he's been doing more than standing by her. It doesn't last long as he's soon hailing a cab to escape from Walford again. He comes and goes so often he'll need someone to fast-track a visa for him before long.

If you want a quiet Christmas then Emmerdale (ITV1) is the place to go. Disappointingly, no one gets married, dies or leaves. It's just a normal week of seduction, violence and lesbian secrets. And that's only the sheep.

Sadie the scheming lady continues to plot against Charity, the ex-prostitute set to marry Sadie's father-in-law Tom King. Her latest ruse is to let slip about Charity's past fling with Zoe the schizophrenic lesbian vet.

Viv Hope faces a lonely Christmas. Not because she's a bitchy old cow - which she is - but because estranged husband Bob is spending Christmas Day elsewhere, and children Scott and Donna are away too. She's so desperate for company that she turns up for Christmas with the Dingles, under the mistaken impression she's been invited.

Why anyone would want to spend the day at the Dingles, who are Emmerdale's version of the Beverly Hillbillies, is beyond me. She'd be better off putting her feet up in front of the telly watching the soaps.

Published: 23/12/2004