OF all the things men can't do as well as women, wrapping presents must be top of the list. Men just can't wrap.

It's a gene thing. Look under any Christmas tree and it's easy to spot the pressies wrapped by men.

They're the ones bound with enough Sellotape to tether a rhinoceros; the ones that have got so badly crumpled during a temper fit they look like theyve been recovered from the bin; the ones with enough spare paper hanging over the edges to wrap another half a dozen gifts and still have some left over for next year.

Women, on the other hand, are born to wrap. They only need three strips of Sellotape per present and they can instinctively gauge exactly the right amount of paper required. Their gifts are therefore always incredibly neat.

Women also have no trouble finding the end of the Sellotape with their fingernails. Unlike men, they never have to resort to using their teeth, leaving the Sellotape looking like a dog's been at it.

But Christmas 2004 will be remembered as a defining year as far as wrapping goes because all my presents were absolutely perfect. This is because I began to fully appreciate the benefits of having a 12-year-old daughter.

There have been times when I've wondered why I had children. But occasionally, you realise that they do have their uses. Our youngest, for example, is a brilliant hot water bottle in the winter. We let him go in our bed for an hour before we come up so the sheets are nice and warm when we get in.

And now I've discovered that his sister is my passport to wrapping heaven. I was getting myself into a right old state, wrapping my wife's presents on Christmas Eve. There was paper all over the bedroom floor, Sellotape in my hair, and I was in such a foul mood it wasn't a good idea for me to be entrusted with a pair of scissors. And then my little girl walked by, and asked: "Daddy, why are you grunting and sweating a lot?" A deal was struck there and then at 50p per item. I watched her in a state of awe as she took less than ten minutes to wrap all five presents. Not once did she get flustered or waste any paper or Sellotape.I don't know why it took me so long to cotton on. If only I'd thought of it, she could have been doing my wrapping better than me since she was three. Since this great discovery, I've come across loads of dads who use their daughters to wrap their presents for a small fee.

My wife was getting her hair cut just before Christmas and the hairdresser's grown-up daughter popped in with a carrier bag full of beautifully wrapped presents.

"There you go, Dad," she said, handing the presents over.

"Ooh, you're going to have a good Christmas," remarked my wife.

"Oh, they're not for me," he replied. "She's just been doing my wrapping for me - always has done."

I even found out that our seven-year-old son had got in on the act. His sister did all his wrapping for him, including her own present from him - a small toy cat which cost 30p from the school fair.

"He told me I had to wrap it with my eyes closed so I wouldn't see what it was," she said.

And that just about sums up one of the truly great differences between men and women - a reason to hope you have a little girl if your partner's pregnant.

Men couldn't wrap a present properly if you gave them a week to do it. Women can do it in seconds - with their eyes shut.

THE THINGS THEY SAY

THOMAS Stobart was enjoying a visit to Legoland with his family, including his great grandmother, Gladys Sparks, of Lynesack Mothers' Union, near Bishop Auckland.

"If all goes well, we'll go to Disneyland in Paris next year," said Thomas's mum.

"Only if granny lives that long," replied Thomas, pointing to Gladys who looks a great deal younger than her 86 years.

MARGARET Walker, of the ARP 050 group at Whitburn, Sunderland, recalled James and Scott coming home from school when they were little.

"You don't call them your goolies," said James to Scott. "They're your tentacles."

MARGARET Joy, also of ARP 050, remembers the time her late husband Terry had his Father Christmas costume on and the three little girls came round from next door.

"Ho, ho, ho," boomed Terry, ready to give the girls a present each.

"Eeh," said the oldest of the trio, Lisa, "you've got the same jumper on that Uncle Terry was wearing this morning."