AS 2004 ends with a tsunami making the Toon Army's gripes look pathetic, we have to remember that life goes on and hope that sport will dish up plenty of light relief in the New Year.

Here are my predictions.

January: The real world darts championship is switched from Frimley Green to Frinton-on-Sea so that defending champion Andy Fordham can kick sand in the face of the seven-stone weakling who succeeds him. Newcastle lose 9-8 to Yeading in the third round of the FA Cup and Graeme Souness is replaced as manager by Bryan Robson, sacked by West Brom despite the Baggies leaking only four goals in each of their last two games. Sir Bobby Robson returns as Director of Football, Pop Robson as youth team coach and Robson Green is appointed match day announcer. Freddie Shepherd announces that the Robson Revolution will make the Magpies magnificent.

February: Arsene Wenger pats Sir Alex Ferguson affectionately on the arm at the Arsenal v Man Utd match, whereupon Fergie goes down as though poleaxed (or is it poll-taxed?) and writhes around for five minutes. He is revived by a cup of Sol Campbell soup, but threatens legal action after some of it spills down the posh coat he wears when claiming his share of the stud fees for David Beckham. On the night before his England comeback in the Six Nations opener in Cardiff, Jonny Wilkinson has to be dragged away from goal-kicking practice at midnight and suffers a dislocated shoulder.

March: Shane Warne, trying to escape from drug testers, wins the Australian Grand Prix at Melbourne. Greg Rusedski, fresh from the Davis Cup defeat by Israel, finishes second with Dwane Chambers third. After leading 6-0, Newcastle hang on to win 6-5 against the Luxembourg champions in the second knockout round of the UEFA Cup. Robson Green is sacked for sounding too posh and replaced by former Durham County Cricket Club chairman Don Robson.

April: Durham, without a Robson in sight, are boosted for the first few weeks of the season by Steve Harmison, who is excused from his new role as fitness coach at St James' Park, which he took on after returning from England's 4-0 series triumph in South Africa. Finding himself up against a Leicestershire side which includes six South Africans, Harmison says this is no kind of preparation for the visit of Bangladesh. The Grand National is cancelled because of a national blacksmiths' strike in protest at the hunting ban.

May: Newcastle draw 8-8 with Middlesbrough in the UEFA Cup final, whereupon Shay Given demands a pay rise as the most overworked goalkeeper in England. He is too exhausted to take part in the penalty shoot-out, which Boro win with the decisive strike coming from Shola Ameobi, signed in exchange for Ugo Ehiogu. Istanbul, scene of the Champions League final, has never witnessed violence like it as Ruud van Nistelrooy scores the winner against Arsenal.

June: Bangladesh, fresh from the floods back home, see their Test at Chester-le-Street washed out after the Wear overflows following a week of incessant rain. Sir Clive Woodward hires the biggest coach in New Zealand to transport his British Lions back-up team, to which Sir Alex Ferguson is a late addition following his recovery from soup burns in Istanbul.

July: Using the very latest technology to drive the ball 400 yards, unknown American college graduate Hank J Whackit flies all the St Andrews bunkers to win the Open. Seve, Monty and Tiger thank the new women in their lives after finishing joint second. England's run of 14 Tests without defeat is ended by Australia at Lord's, where MCC members are incandescent at the sight of drug testers chasing Shane Warne through the Long Room.

August: Chelsea take the field for the Charity Shield with an unrecognisable line-up after Roman Abramovich becomes embarrassed that the club attracts supporters like David Mellor and Tony Banks and takes half the players to set up a new club in Russia.

September: Audley Harrison says he isn't talking to the media but tells The Sun that Danny Williams isn't fit to lace his boots. He also reveals exclusively in The Daily Star that, despite not fighting for a year, he is still on course to be world champion.

October: Newcastle footballers visit their old haunt at Wynyard, get drunk and disrupt the Seve Trophy, which is taking place on the estate's golf course. Seve drives into numerous gardens but beats Monty one up.

November: Sunderland beat bottom club Chelsea to go top of the Premiership. With Ugo Ehiogu yet to play a game because of injury, Newcastle suffer their fourth successive 7-6 defeat and Shepherd announces that the Robson Revolution is over. Jack Charlton takes over and the Magpies draw the next six games 0-0.

December: Chants of "boring" drive out Charlton, Shepherd quits and George Reynolds, found not guilty of laundering, takes over. St James' Park becomes the Reynolds Arena, Faustino Asprilla signs and Gazza is the new manager. It must be the pantomime season. Happy New Year.