Romeo and Juliet, Antony and Cleopatra, Sooty and Sue. To these famous, if troubled romantic couples Soapland officials were planning to add those lovebirds from Coronation Street (ITV1), Mar-in the nurse and Kay-tee the girl with the terrible hair.

The age difference - Mar-in is twice teenager Kay-tee's age - hasn't stopped them moving in together despite her parents' disapproval. Now, alas, they're becoming more Brad and Jen than anything else. The news that Kay-tee is pregnant isn't welcomed by Mar-in, who'd told her specifically that he didn't want any more children.

That should have been the end of the matter, expect she stopped taking her contraceptive pills. When Mar-in finds out, he's livid and accuses her of trying to trap him.

Round at the Websters abode, silly Sally is looking forward to putting more than fish fingers and chips on the tea table. She's counting the extra cash she's receiving for working overtime. This involves giving in to boss Ian's sexual demands. If he's paying her for their steamy afterhours sessions ("Take a letter, Mrs Webster, and then take off your knickers") it puts their working relationship on a new level. Someone who gets paid for sex... now what's the word I'm searching for to describe Sally?.

Silly Shelley - there's a lot of silly women in Weatherfield at the moment - discovers that her lover, Charlie the builder with the bulging toolbox, is carrying out a financial scam.

She challenges him and receives a torrent of abuse as his mental humiliation of her continues. Give him a good slap and kick him out, girl. The women of Walford will be wearing black by the end of next week in EastEnders (BBC1) as Dennis Rickman goes off on his travels. At the slightest sign of emotional turmoil, he packs his bags and leaves.

I suppose he might have good reason this time, having discovering that girlfriend Zoe lied about her pregnancy and tried to get up the duff by sleeping with his father. This takes the phrase "keeping it in the family" too far,. So Dennis is off but, to mangle Arnie's phrase, "He'll be back" - in three months.

The newly-arrived Moon brothers, or the Brothers Grim as I prefer to call them, do their good deed for the week by hassling Andy the gangster. Jake and Danny are annoyed at his treatment of their brother Alfie, who's reduced to selling dodgy watches.

There's also the matter of baby Freddie's christening. Mum Little Mo is happy enough but husband silly Billy is still fretting that the child isn't his. He's even thinking of visiting the father, currently residing in prison for raping Little Mo.

Cain returns to Emmerdale (ITV1) so perhaps Charity can get him to clear up the little matter of the photograph of them kissing that halted her wedding to rich old Tom King.

Zak's had enough of both Cain and Charity, throwing them out of the Dingles (which is preferable to being throw out by the danglies). Charity warns Jimmy King to watch his back because his wife Sadie the bitch, the one who framed Charity, is determined to get control of the King-dom at any price.

Back at the Dingles, dim Sam (which makes him sound like something the Chinese eat) learns about the birds and the bees. He's found a soulmate - ie, someone who's also a bit dim - in Alice and has to decide whether to follow her to Norfolk, always assuming he can read a map.

Published: 13/01/2005