Soapland is rife with drunkeness, sex and deception - and that's only the children. There's drama at the Minute Mart in EastEnders (BBC1) when a shelf collapses in the supermarket. This passes for excitement these days in Albert Square. The fact that young Darren Miller collapses at the same time is of more concern.

He's been at the peach schapps, thanks to Slater tearaway and chip-off-the-Janine-block, Stacey Slater. Darren passes out and an ambulance is called to take the drunk-as-a-skunk schoolboy to hospital.

It doesn't end there. Stacey gets the blame - as if she held his mouth open and poured the schnapps down his throat - and grasses the grasping Millers to the DSS in revenge. The Minute Mart hasn't been this busy since there was a buy-one-get-one-free offer on frozen sprouts.

More trouble for another Slater child, the slightly older one, Zoe. She, you'll remember, pretended to be pregnant to keep Dennis and then got pregnant by his dad Dirty Den to keep up the pretence. Now Dennis has gone and left her.

Den is in the doghouse all round. Wife Chrissie the crimper suspects he's been up to no good (well, he's not called Dirty Den for nothing, dearie) but presses ahead with renewing their wedding vows anyway. This is as likely to resolve matters as Neville Chamberlain waving a bit of paper around. No sooner has she said "I do" again, than Chrissie is taking money out of Den's wallet in order to finance Zoe's abortion.

There's a right how's-yer-father? in Coronation Street (ITV1) after Tommy the thug suspects son Craig the Goth is sleeping with Rosie Webster. He reaches this conclusion after spotting Craig snogging Rosie and a packet of condoms falls on the floor. Instead of saying "something for the weekend?", Tommy reacts as only Tommy knows how - he thumps Craig, who collapses in a heap on the Weatherfield cobbles.

Then he makes matter worse by accusing Rosie of supplying the protection. She did indeed take them from the handbag of her mum, Silly Sally, who is having an affair with her boss. Good to see she's being careful, but leaving them lying around among her lip gloss and 5p off fish fingers coupons in her bag isn't wise. Somebody might put two and two together, and discover her sordid secret.

Another neglected Street child, loveable ginger nut Chesney, is distraught at the loss of his dog Schmeichel. Little does he know that his dreadful mum Cilla sold the pooch after he chewed her boots (which, knowing her fashion sense, could only improve them). He goes looking for his canine companion, armed with homemade posters and a hangdog expression.

Talking of dogs, dreary Deirdre receives a proposal, not from Battersea Dog's Home but from ex-husband Ken. The ageing Casanova uses the occasion of Amy Barlow's first birthday party to ask Deirdre to marry him again. The romantic moment is spoiled somewhat when he reveals his motivation is financial rather than emotional. Expect Ken to take Schmeichel's place in the doghouse.

A daughter returns to Emmerdale (ITV1), although as it's Steph no-one will be throwing a welcome home party. They're more likely to throw a Molotov cocktail at her. She may have walked free despite imprisoning her father and threatening to kill her best friend but Emmerdale folk are unforgiving.

Take Charity, instance. Go on, everyone else has. Now it's the turn of Jimmy King. But why would a man with Sadie the bitch as a wife want to cheat? The answer to this Jimmy riddle is that it's part of Chas's revenge on Sadie for ruining her wedding.

So she lures Jimmy into her bedroom and it's not just to help turn the mattress. She does such a good job (small wonder, it used to be her living when she was a prostitute) that Jimmy comes back for more.

Only three more King brothers to bed and Chas will have a winning hand.

Published: 03/02/2005