THE true comedy on Friday nights is far away from the promised land of BBC1. Who wants 29 Minutes of Fame when you can have Colin And Justin's How Not To Decorate (five, 9pm).

My wife has spent the past two weeks constantly, saying "They can't say that, it's so rude", as I've rolled around the sofa in fits of laughter at the antics of today's Flannigan And Allen. The duo seemed to be mimicking the old-time Music Hall stars when Justin Ryan arrived for decorating duties wearing a full-length fur coat alongside his equally flamboyant companion Colin McAllister.

These two don't just call people's homes "explosions in a cut-price sale factory" but actually look in the wardrobes and try their clothes on. After their high profile BBC2 series Million Pound Property Experiement the double act's big switch to five didn't get off to a particularly good start with two 20 Quickest Ways... shows where they came across as unpleasant fuss-pots.

"Somebody's had a word with them because they've suddenly become very politically incorrect. That Colin is turning into a bit of a perv," said my other half in amazement as Mr McAllister inspected a burly builder's muscles, so to speak. Justin isn't much better. When not chasing Colin around the table because he won't let him look at a design brief, he's spanking design assistant Katie for not keeping track of the pair's many make-over changes of mind. This week the dynamic duo were in Romford at a home that once belonged to 1980s pop star family act 5 Star. Over budget and lacking vital elements like furniture, Colin and Justin put the pop group's four massive ceiling "scandalliers" on Ebay expecting a cash frenzy. They ended up bidding £103 themselves in an effort to raise the price and wound up as the proud owners.

Despite the efforts of architect presenter George Clarke, the curtain-raiser to C & J of A Dream Home Abroad (five) is a well-worn path too far. "I don't know why you keep watching these things, you only lose your temper with British couples who won't learn the language and don't do any research," said my wife, who, incidentally, insists I do all the talking when we're on holiday abroad. Last week, Geoff and Joanne from Yorkshire gave themselves eight weeks to turn an old Normandy farmhouse into a luxury B&B with no French, no survey, no planning permission and a French-speaking builder. Zero points for guessing what happened.

"What I don't understand is how an entire TV crew and George Clarke could stand around filming all this and do nothing to help," said a colleague, "but then it wouldn't make for good television."

I have to say that my main fascination with the programme was in trying to guess from which part of the North-East George Clarke originated.

"He sounds more Australian than North-Eastern to me," said my home language expert. A little research by yours truly revealed Mr Clarke was born and brought up on Wearside.

"I don't remember saying he was Australian," came the crushing response to this triumphant piece of fact-finding. How Selective Memory Allows Women To Win Arguments may well be the next big Reality TV project.

Published: 12/02/2005