ARRIVING at the auditions at 9am, a shivering queue of more than 500 wannabes is already wrapped around St James' Park, desperately waiting for an opportunity to sell themselves for a chance of celebrity.

Scruffy fame-seekers in designer jeans, trendy trainers and multi-coloured hair are two-a-penny.

Among them an assortment of exactly the type of wacky characters you would expect to pitch up at auditions for the most voyeuristic show on TV.

A tall teenager with a pink cardboard coffin under his arm; a kilted man in an orange wig; and a young lad, shivering in only his grey boxer shorts and goose-bumps.

Further back, a chubby girl, head to foot in a spectrum of pink, carries a frilly cerise carrycot, while nearby, a Sunderland fan parades his colours under the eaves of his rival club, which is hosting the audition.

The publicity warned applicants heading to Saturday's auditions to dress in warm clothes - but few have heeded this advice. I am almost the only person in a sensible coat.

I join the back of the queue and stand stock still for ten minutes, any remaining warmth draining into the concrete.

As we inch forwards, counting the half-footsteps towards a chance at "eternal" fame, it becomes clear BB producers have placed the queue of wannabes -policed by a team of security guards -in the St James' Park wind tunnel.

As the tailback behind me builds, the hordes who have dressed to impress begin shivering in their rainbow shirts, naked bellies and bare legs.

In front of me, a bloke in a wide-brimmed sunhat jigs on the spot to his own drumbeat.

Last year, the Big Brother producers trawled the country for some of the most outspoken, outrageous and, some would say, hideous characters in Britain -lesbian feminist Kitten, Geordie "bunny-boiler" Michelle and eventual winner, busty Portuguese transsexual Nadia. No one here comes close.

Two-and-a-half hours, 600 metres and we are almost at the front.

I have seen two girls rip their tops off for the cameras; a man in a Union Jack thong; and a flabby Geordie streaking down the line. Oh, and Spiderman has just joined the queue.

At noon, ten of us are led into a pen where a BB producer quizzes us. A girl from Middlesbrough with a cavernous cleavage and a bizarrely dressed fashion student are selected to go through to the next stage, where they spent a minute in a makeshift diary room to impress producers.

As I make my way home with the other dejected people I have met over the past three hours, one says: "So, see you at the Manchester auditions then?"

I can't help thinking if I had said I was a lesbian skydiving instructor who had a sleep-walking problem, I would have been chosen.

If you missed your chance, Big Brother will visit another five venues across the country - Dublin, Manchester, Cardiff, Birmingham and London.

Log on to www.channel4. com/bigbrother for more information.