MAKING headlines on TV isn't as straightforward as you think. Take the words JACKSON III on the 6pm BBC1 news on Tuesday... "I thought they were going to say that three of the Jackson 5 were getting back together," joked my wife as we received an update on Michael Jackson's trial.

By 10pm, the headline writers had spotted their mistake and came up with JACKSON UNWELL. "Well they couldn't say sick because that might have been judged as a comment, I mean just look at what he's done to his face... and he's going to lose his children," added my other half, who has never got over the loss of our Thriller cassette album when our car was stolen 20 years ago. Well, would you nip into a record store and ask for anything by MJ at the moment?

Thankfully, the leader of the pack in TV terms remains good old Parkinson (Saturday, ITV1). He kicked off his latest series with the incredibly scruffy "Saint Bob" Geldof and a slightly monosyllabic Bruce Willis.

"Why doesn't he ask him (Bob) how he got custody of Paula Yates's daughter with Michael Hutchence when he isn't any relation at all?" asked my wife, who seemed to be developing a theme here.

My theory of keeping half-sisters together seemed to placate her interest... and, to be fair, my child development expert was only spinning out time beyond 11pm in anticipation of hearing Julie Walters discuss spoof West End musical Acorn Antiques.

I'm afraid I couldn't offer any clues to Ms Walters non-appearance but ITV confirmed yesterday that she was ill (or should that be III?) but has agreed to appear with Will Smith on Parky's February 26 show. Hot off the press from ITV is that J-Lo (Jennifer Lopez as was) is also III and has been replaced by Twiggy tonight.

My wife is beginning to develop a phobia about watching new series - it could be something to do with this column. However, Nigel's Place In France (C4, Tuesday) was just continuing the incredible adventures of Nigel Farrell. Having failed to make a success of an Indian restaurant in a remote region, Mr F had decided to open a B&B despite having no experience of that either.

"Oh God, I'd forgotten how much I dislike this chap, well he is a journalist after all," came an earlier than expected comment from her as she slid sideways down the sofa.

There was slightly more interest in The Apprentice (BBC2, Wednesday) but mainly because multimillionaire Alan Sugar has replaced Donald Trump from the US version and looks more like 67 than his reported age of 57.

"Everyone is just horrible and big-headed," announced the sofa surfer as 14 of Britain's brightest business people were set the task of selling flowers to prove they could become Sugar's No 2. The format was sadly identical to the US version by pitting the women against the men. Unlike the Americans, the British females lost because they spent too much time bickering with each other. That still led to you feeling III watching the nauseating male supremacy clebrations.

Published: ??/??/2004