'WHAT a cheek," said my wife as I unveiled her evening's entertainment as a pre-recorded programme dedicated to her.

That's right, Grumpy Old Women (ITV1, Friday). But at least she knew I was joking. The Christmas special of this reply to the popular Grumpy Old Men series had floundered partly because of the strange format of featuring some unconvincing festive scenes using a generic female form before the celebs were let loose.

Sadly, this paint by numbers approach was retained for the new series and my GOW lashed out: "It's just not funny. Most of this is cruel."

This comment came as TV columnist Nina Myskow talked about banning women of a certain age from waving because it showed off their "bingo wings" - that's the excess flesh which seems to develop on the tricep area. "She means chicken wings," growled my GOW with feeling.

Even the suggestion that HRT could save the day failed to inspire this particular over-40. "It doesn't, because the doctors won't give it to you any more," she grumped.

While the easily recognised faces of Sheila Hancock, Jenny Eclair, Janet Street-Porter, Germaine Greer and Ann Widdecombe added clout to the proceedings, most couldn't escape the temptation of making each grumble intensely personal.

Male contributors have long mastered the art of the "all the world's gone mad except me" viewpoint as in the "is it me?" debates in the hands of Terry Wogan's Radio 2 old geezers and gals.

At least producer Judith Holder is based in Newcastle, which meant that familiar city landmarks are making an appearance in the programme, but the four-parter is going to have to find its funny bone, just below the chicken wings, pretty quickly.

Highlight of the week was, as predicted in this column, another update on Animal Hospital - the Big Story (Mon-Thurs, BBC2) using presenter Rolf Harris's home as the backdrop. Even the sight of Rolf feeding his pet cats perched on a kitchen worktop - mainly to avoid his dogs pinching the food - using a knife to gouge the meat from a tin didn't diminish the programme's appeal.

Reminders of emaciated Snowy the poodle, Brandy the incredibly bad-tempered cat and the kitten bitten to death by fleas had inspired Rolf to create another painting in his own inimitable "hum, didda, hah" style. The BBC also cleverly revealed shots of the didgeridoo master with over-dubbed voices for versions that have been sold around the world.

"I think ten years of Animal Hospital was probably quite enough," said Mrs GOW, who was still glued to every repeated moment.

On Thursday, laid low with a tummy bug, I somehow managed to watch How Clean Is Your House? stars Kim Woodburn and Aggie MacKenzie appear on Ready Steady Cook (BBC2, 4.30pm) and Today With Des And Mel (ITV1, 5pm) at virtually the same time. Both Ainsley Harriot and Des O'Connor fussed around their sets in anxiety about an appearance by the two queens of clean.

But it soon turned out that childless Kim is the obsessive cleaner while less fussy Aggie claimed she had a man to do the work. I bet he could tell a gumpy tale or two.

Published: 26/02/05