All New Cosmetic Surgery Live (five)

EXPERIENCE taught me not to believe presenter Vanessa Feltz's promise of "mind-boggling, jaw-dropping surgery" because programmes are always making promises they don't keep. I should have believed her this time. Fortunately, I reached the fast-forward button swiftly enough to avoid watching all the gory details as a man's face was literally peeled from his skull.

During the course of an hour we saw a "mommy makeover" - that's a breast lift, lipo suck and tummy tuck hat-trick - performed live, as well as a Brazilian transsexual undergoing four gruelling procedures to become a woman, penis enhancement, penis reduction and an adult entertainer with gigantic breasts. And there are 13 more editions to go, with celebrities including glamour girl Jodie Marsh and ex-Tiswas presenter Sally James going under the knife. Just when you thought you'd heard the last of Turkey Twizzlers, along comes Madge from Neighbours - alias actress Anne Charleston - to have surgery on her "turkey neck".

The continuity announcer's warning that the programme contained "graphic scenes of invasive surgery together with some nudity" proved something of an understatement. The show that brought us anal bleaching in the last series has pulled out all the stops, prompting Vanessa to declare: "I've never seen anything quite so revolting". Throughout the show, we watched live surgery from Los Angeles. Presenter Rhonda Wear swapped the red carpet for the operating room, stepping between the camera and the surgeons to give us a running commentary on a "mommy makeover". She commentated as they nipped and tucked. "Wow, you just cut off that skin," she screeched, as the surgeon showed her a lump of human flesh 60cm by 19cm, and weighing three kilos. Then he peeled back the patient's skin to expose her abdomen, explaining what he was going to sew up to make her stomach flatter. "Is there any way that could pop open again?," inquired Rhonda, just like she'd ask a star at a premiere who made their frock.

To prove this isn't just some ghoulish freak show for voyeurs, Hollywood surgeon Dr Jan Adams is in the studio to comment on the gory action, which makes The Texas Chainsaw Massacre look like Thunderbirds. While the rest of us were feeling queasy as Brazilian ladyboy Filipe's skin was peeled from his skull, Dr Adams was saying: "This is fantastic".

One in ten women in the US have breast implants, but adult entertainer Rhiannon's are the biggest. Enlargement has left her with one over-sensitive nipple and one without any feeling. Vanessa was fascinated by this, commenting: "I never thought I'd say this about another woman on the television but I'm absolutely fascinated by her nipples". Ordinary people aren't forgotten. A mother-of-two from Reading is undergoing six procedures "to get the body of her dreams". She's been left with sagging flesh after losing a lot of weight. Just in case you thought this was being performed as a social service, Danniella Westbrook promised that each operation was more gruesome than the last. Finally, Vanessa previewed forthcoming attractions. "Tomorrow, a male to female transsexual has a vaginal tuck. Yes, you heard me correctly," she enthused. I didn't doubt her for a moment.

Love Shack, Darlington Civic Theatre

NO theatre season would be complete without a shotgun wedding of songs to a cappuccino froth-like tale of love and marriage. The fact that a hybrid of hits - Del Shannon's 1962 Hey Little Girl thrown together with Kiki and Elton's 1976 Don't Go Breaking My Heart - works so well is down to the three ex-pop stars on show. Jon Lee (S Club 7), Faye Tozer (Steps) and Noel Sullivan (Hear'say) don't appear to be interested in resurrecting their careers and, in fact, take the rise out of each other's songs. Tozer seems happy to be slightly overshadowed by Lee's central romance as Sam with fiancee Joanne (the excellent Emma Barton). Sullivan played for laughs as broad Welsh-accented best man Will, while a plot as clunky as the child's building block sets wandered towards a "will they, won't they?" wedding. Musical circuit stalwarts Adam Linstead and Neal Wright add comedy song characters while Rachael Wooding amusingly spits "all men are bastards" bile. A door which constantly swung open, once revealing a surprised member of the backstage crew, provided unexpected laughs, but I'm more anxious about an audience which was whooping and hollering. However, I may have to disembowel the next writer of a show constantly featuring men in underpants.

* Runs until Saturday. Box office: (01325) 486555. The tour continues to York Opera House, May 2-7 and Sunderland's Empire Theatre, May 9-16.

Viv Hardwick

Arsenic and Old Lace, Tyne Theatre, Newcastle

EVEN the title of this play is evocative of a time when ladies wore high collars and murder most horrid was, well, a little less horrid. The curtain rises on a scene of quintessential charm - an old lady having tea with the vicar - but it soon becomes clear that things are far from what they seem. Sisters Martha and Abby Brewster may look and act like saintly old dears, but beneath their generosity lies a murderous streak. Holed up in their Brooklyn mansion with a nephew who thinks he's President Roosevelt, they see off a string of lonely lodgers with poisoned elderberry wine. When their other nephew, the only sane Brewster, Mortimer, finds out, he's horrified, and the arrival of his psychotic brother Jonathan only adds to the mayhem. Former Dr Who Sylvester McCoy gets the most laughs as Jonathan's German plastic surgeon Dr Einstein. His humour is slapstick but if he comes across as a caricature, the audience doesn't seem to mind. As the two sisters, Angela Thorne and Brigit Forsyth carry the weight of the story successfully. If Thorne falters a little, she just about gets away with it. Andy Havill and Reanne Farley are assured as Mortimer and his fiancee, and Huw Higginson suitably scary as Jonathan.

* Runs until Saturday. Box office 0870 1451200.

Sarah Foster