After 30 or 40 years of marriage, it would seem that a couple was destined to stay together. But instead of enjoying the 'pipe and slippers' stage, many are finding the divorce courts beckon. Women's Editor Lindsay Jennings reports.

JANE Lake had met her future husband while studying at Oxford University in 1963. She was a 20-year-old arts student from Washington DC, while he was a shy, 18-year-old Roman Catholic from Bootle called John Birt.

After 40 years of marriage, it seemed they were destined to stay together until death did them part. They were at the stage when the children had moved on, careers had stabilised and mid-life crises were only read about in Nick Hornby novels.

But then the former BBC director-general, who later became Lord Birt, hit the 40-year itch. Just when the pipe and slippers were about to come out, he announced he was leaving his wife for the former head of the National Probation Service, Eithne Wallis, with whom he had been having an affair.

The collapse of the Birt's marriage is just one of a series of high-profile splits. Chef and restaurateur Rick Stein divorced his wife and business partner of 30 years, Jill, after abandoning her for Sarah Burns, an Australian 20 years his junior. They join writer Josceline Dimbleby who split from husband David after decades together and actor Charles Dance and ex-wife Joanna.

Where once longevity would almost guarantee a couple would stay together until their final days, now there is growing evidence that a marriage needs working at into the twilight years. Some couples find that once the children have gone and their careers are over, they simply have nothing to say to one another. Instead of settling into a comfort zone, 50 and 60-year-olds are grabbing another chance at happiness - usually with someone very much younger.

North-Easterner June Walker (we have changed her name to protect her anonymity), married Jim in her early 20s. They enjoyed a good relationship on a physical and mental level and when two children came along they loved nothing better than family holidays and weekends away together. June, of Darlington, recalls there were occasional periods of one to three months when Jim would become distant, cool, and critical, and withdraw affection, before things would get back to normal. If she asked him why he was being distant, he would tell her that he didn't know why or that there was no reason.

Says June, who is in her mid-50s: "These periods eventually became more frequent. He wasn't rude, but there just wasn't any affection. He seemed to dismiss any views I had and spent a lot of time taking up interests that didn't include me. He wouldn't talk about it or admit anything was wrong."

After 34 years of marriage and with the kids grown up, June sat her husband down and said she could no longer live in an affection-less marriage - even though she still loved him. His reaction was a shock.

"He said he wanted to leave and had done for a while," she recalls. "Although I still loved him, I couldn't see any future if he felt that way and we agreed to split up."

June is among a growing social trend. While half of all divorces occur in the first ten years of marriage, more than one in five in England and Wales are among couples who have been married for 20 years or more - and the rate is increasing.

Christine Blakesley, who co-ordinates the Divorce Recovery Workshop, in Darlington, says that she has seen an increase in the number of people in their 50s and 60s coming to their workshops.

"Just when you're expecting to have a bit more money and to have a bit more time to enjoy life, quite cruelly, life turns upside down," she says.

"I think one of the common reasons is that the man has started seeing someone else. Often the wives are some of the most attractive women you could meet and they are usually very shocked when they find out their husband wants to leave them. They trust their husbands so much that they have no idea. Or quite often, people say that there isn't anybody else, but it is not long before they are with someone.

"Then there's the women who decide they want to move out because they are not finding enough love with their partners who, in turn, are devastated. I can remember one man coming back from work to find a note on the kitchen table and that she had removed all the furniture. He'd been married about 30 years and had had no idea.

"I suppose people today are less likely to put up with a marriage if they are not fulfilled and that they feel they've still got a lot of life left in them."

There is never a good time to hear your partner wants a divorce, but after 30 or 40 years together, the shock can be overwhelming. A couple may have rarely spent a night apart, only to be suddenly alone. It can cause a loss of identity and status, turning up at weddings and barbecues to feel the conspicuous, albeit sympathetic, stares of those around.

Then there are the financial implications. Some women find they have to get work for the first time in 30 years or face an impoverished old age.

"The financial side can cause an awful lot of problems for people - just when they're trying to cope with the emotional side," says Christine.

"You're reaching a time of life when there are so many people who are younger. It's a tremendously sensitive time and people need as much support as possible. Sometimes, because it's so common, I think people underestimate the trauma of it."

Christine runs a six-week course as part of the national charity network, The Divorce Recovery Workshop. The two-hour a week course helps people to build their confidence and to create a new life for themselves. There is also a social support group which meets once a month.

"It's amazing how people enjoy being able to be in a group that understands them and cheers them up," she says. "We've even had the odd marriage."

It is not unheard of for people to find they have made grave errors in leaving their partners for a younger model. Many men find they deeply regret their actions only to find their once steadfast wives have become empowered, independent women. Last year 56-year-old chef Rick Stein returned to his Cornish home shame-faced after admitting he'd made a "big mistake". The couple are still business partners, but the rekindling of their marriage is still uncertain.

Says Christine: "Very often these relationships burn out and I've known a number who have realised they've made a ghastly mistake."

June was afraid that she wouldn't be able to cope on her own but overcame her fears by returning to work and meeting others like her at the Divorce Recovery Workshop.

"I am much more confident now and don't have time to be bored, or dwell on the way things have worked out, although the hurt still remains," she says. "I regret that I didn't tackle the problem earlier- either to put things right or to end it. But I have no regrets that I kept trying. I just wish he'd talked to me and been honest."

* The next Divorce Recovery Workshop starts on Thursday May 19. It costs £30 for a six week course and meets at St Herbert's Church Hall in Yarm Road, Darlington from 7-9pm. For more information contact (01325) 382860.