On TV last night

IF you stumbled across this late night series these past three nights after a trip to the pub, you probably thought you were very drunk indeed.

You'd have been confronted by a posh woman in a low-cut white top and short white skirt talking in a fruity voice about bumble bees with exploding genitals and the spoonworm who snorts her husband up her spout. From time to time actors dressed in colourful animal and insect outfits burst into song.

There was little alternative but to agree with the woman in white - Dr Olivia Judson, of Imperial College, London - as she opened the doors of her clinic for love: "It's more outrageous than you might expect". For once, such claims proved justifiable. "Get ready for sex like you've never seen it before," she added, sounding like a trailer for a sleazy porn movie.

The creatures came for advice on Dr Tatiana's talk show - a sort of Jerry Springer or Trisha for the animal world. "They're a strange bunch, my guests," she said, again showing an uncanny knack for putting her finger on it.

Memories of Rebecca Loos on The Farm were revived as we watched bulls being teased. This wasn't a case of calling them names and running away but tickling their fancy (very big fancies, as it happened) to get them excited. "Some require a fair bit of work on the part of the handler, others are natural born semen producers," said Brad Sayles, an expert on that sort of thing.

There's a serious intent as his work determines the success of the Ontario dairy industry for years to come.

You may think this is a load of old bull but the good doctor was keen to show what these weird animal activities tell us about human sexuality. The link between us and the iguana with two penises that can't stop masturbating was unclear. Similarly, the female stick insect who complained that her lover "started copulating with men ten weeks ago and he still hasn't finished" isn't something you hear from humans.

It's all the fault of the females. Most in the animal world are "good time girls" whose promiscuous behaviour has forced the male to do all manner of bizarre things to keep her faithful. Take the bee whose genitals explode as he reaches climax, making him fall to his death. The female is "bunged up with his dismembered member", thus preventing her from having sex with anyone else. A suicide sex mission involving a detonating dong, as the doctor so eloquently put it.

As she continued to detail the unusual genitals of many creatures, I began to think how unlike a nature programme with David Attenborough this was. Romping with gorillas is all very well, but why didn't he ever tell us about the banana slug that keeps its genitals behind its right ear?

Thoroughly Modern Millie, Newcastle Theatre Royal

BOLD, abrasive and thoroughly entertaining, the 21st century Millie cuts to the chase of marrying her boss with precious little charm or sentimentality. Stick-thin Donna Steele is more Carol Channing than Julie Andrews from the famous 1967 film but she's a storming choice as leading lady when it comes to song and dance. Having abandoned my favourite scene of tap-dancing to make the Hotel Priscilla's ancient lift work - sadly, due to the technical difficulties of touring - and brought in a few crowd-pleasers filched from Gilbert and Sullivan, the show speeds through the tale of the search for love in New York against a backdrop of girls being sold into white slavery.

Equipped with the worst Chinese accent since Arthur Mullard, Lesley Joseph whoops it up as Mrs Meers, the dastardly hotel keeper. Her two Chinese assistants Unku and Yo Santhavessuk, as brothers Bun Foo and Ching Ho, complete with subtitles, are an unexpected hit to the point of the plot gaining an ending you'd least expect.

There's no shortage of supporting cast who can bounce a song off the back wall, starting with Grace Kennedy as the socialite Muzzy Van Hossmere. The theatre-filling voices of Robyn North, as Mrs Meers' final target Miss Dorothy Brown, and Andrew Kennedy, as Millie's boss Trevor Graydon, produce the night's best song of I'm Falling In Love With Someone. Millie, of course, accepts second best with chancer Jimmy Smith (Richard Reynard), who turns out to be a multi-millionaire in disguise. They do actually write 'em like that these days.

* Runs until May 14. Box Office: 0870 905 5060

Viv Hardwick

Stones in his Pockets, Gala Theatre, Durham

A TINY Irish village is changed forever when it becomes the location for a major Hollywood film in this superb, award-winning comedy. Extras are needed from the local community and although the County Kerry folk clash with the shallow, image-obsessed cast and crew, they persevere to earn 40 quid a day. Just two actors - Martin Jenkins and Christopher Patrick Nolan - play the 15 or so extraordinary characters in this play, switching seamlessly between extremely diverse personalities and bringing each to life with hilarious results.

With a pursing of the lips and flirtatious wiggle, the overpowering, bossy director Simon becomes Caroline the smouldering sex kitten and star of the film. Equally, the downtrodden, down-to-earth Jake transforms with a twirl into Ashling - the affected, flighty production assistant with a hugely embarrassing crush on the director.

In part, this clever comedy is a Notting Hill-style parody as the beautiful diva falls for the bemused local lad, but it also pulls apart the shallow nature of Hollywood, showing the studio to be uncaring about the community and blas about authenticity.

Will the crew ever get the final scene in the can? Can the village ever recover? The film stars take a supporting role while the extras emerge to be the real stars in this excellent production.

l Runs until Saturday. Box Office: 0191-332 4041

Michelle Hedger