Whoever else may like to be beside the seaside, Redcar and The Times racing correspondent would clearly not be good holiday companions.
Two summers ago, Alan Lee wrote a column describing the sea front as "a tasteless cocktail of seedy bingo clubs, rock shops and boarded up pubs" and the racecourse as "transmitting a depressing death wish."
That the entrance was through a cemetery probably did little to lift the spirits or dispel the imagery. The beer was horrible, too.
The town was to North Yorkshire, The Times added, what Great Yarmouth was to Norfolk - "defacement of an otherwise lovely county."
Last week - with thanks to John Armstrong in Bishop Auckland for his vigilance - Mr Lee returned. Sandbags at ten paces.
"The roadside sand castle signs around Redcar offer a deceptively jaunty impression, all too swiftly dispelled," he wrote. The Get-at-Redcar Handicap was up and running once again.
The railway station was dowdy, the landscape "dominated by the belching chimneys of steel and chemical works", the sombre racecourse approach every bit as funereal.
"If it is hard to believe that anyone would want to take their holidays here," The Times thundered, "a thriving racecourse seems almost as fanciful."
Though ambitious plans for a new out-of-town course appear to have been shelved, Lord Zetland - a major shareholder - insists that the scheme isn't dead.
The board, however, believe that that the course should redevelop on the present site, with the possibility of a hotel, conference centre and even greyhound racing - long absent from Teesside.
Lord Zetland, who lives near Richmond and whose family have had an interest in Redcar racing for generations, has not been able to return the column's calls.
Next month, however, he welcomes new chief executive Neil Etherington. "The first thing he should do," says Alan Lee, "is to create a new main entrance, doing away with the drive through the cemetery."
Remember last week's note about the start of the clergy cricket season, and how the Church Times was urging the men of God to call it a conference or something and get padded up?
The dioceses of Durham and Bradford duly met at Masham, neutral ground. Durham turned up short and, with little sign of Christian charity, were smashed for 235-3 off 30 overs.
In reply they were all out for 66 off 15. The priests on their knees yet again.
Ever on the ball, John Briggs in Darlington spots in Saturday's Belfast Telegraph a piece on former Sunderland centre forward Ian Lawther - the only footballer to complete his transfer in the Houses of Parliament.
Signed from Crusaders in 1958, Lawther hit 41 goals in 75 appearances before moving to Blackburn Rovers, Scunthorpe and signing for Brentford for £15,000 in 1964.
The Bees' chairman was Nottingham Central MP Jack Dunnett who - Commons touch - provided a gold pen for the signing.
Formerly a tailor in Halifax, who in 1968-69 he helped to the club's only Football League promotion, the four times capped Northern Ireland international is now 65, lives near Swindon, and only watches football on television.
Someone called Savage Savaloy - a bit of a silly sausage if he can't even spell his own name - e-mails with news of Byers Green under-18s, near Spennymoor.
Many of their remarkable achievements - an under-age cocktail of Durham FA Youth Sunday Cup, Russell Foster League and Cup double and defeat only in the last league game of the season - were featured in Friday's Local Heroes.
It should be added, however, that the county cup final was refereed by Sunderland primary school teacher Joanne Howe, 22, who featured hereabouts a fortnight ago.
"She had an excellent game, always in control," says Mr Savaloy, adding that "one or two" of the lads tried to get booked so they could offer not just names, but telephone numbers.
Together under John Heslop for seven years, the side now disbands. They're growing up fast.
The first complainant rang at 7.05am. "I must have fallen asleep at Wembley and missed a couple of goals," said Mr John Flynn, LlB.
The second called shortly afterwards. "I blame advancing years," said Charlie Donaghy.
They continued all day. Friday's column had supposed that Tow Law had been beaten 3-0 in the 1998 FA Vase final. It was only 1-0, Tiverton's 80th minute winner the result (as everyone else remembered) of a fortunate deflection.
"It was bad enough getting beat without you trebling the score," said Trevor Kavanagh. Apologies all round.
Then just a penny, now worth very much more to a collector, a copy of Middlesbrough's programme from January 15 1927 - second division, v Chelsea - goes under the hammer on May 28.
Auction organiser John Wilson even calls it a 'Record breaking programme', though it was the Boro, and not the programme, which shattered records.
It was the season they scored 122 goals in 42 league games, George Camsell hitting 59 of them - but on January 15 1927, shackled by Chelsea centre half Millington, Camsell fired only blanks.
"The lanky Pensioner followed on the heels of the Middlesbrough leader like a faithful hound trotting attendance on its master," the Echo reported.
It was the first time since September 11 that Middlesbrough had failed to score, the first time in 14 games that Camsell himself couldn't find the net.
The "greatest honours", we added, belonged to Sgt Twiss, Boro's right half. Military midfield, anyone know anything more about him?
* Organised by Methuselah, the auction is at Marton Country Club at 1pm, viewing from 10am. Details on www.methuselahltd.com
January 15 1927? South Shields were in the second division, Ashington and Durham City - losing 8-3 at Tranmere - in the Third North. More than 3,000 watched Crook Town's derby with Willington, Stockton beat Birmingham Corporation Tramways 4-0 despite having the celebrated Mark Pass dismissed for violent conduct, Ferryhill Athletic beat Stockton Malleable Institute 7-1 in the Amateur Cup and Newcastle United's 2-1 win at Aston Villa confirmed them as first division leaders. Incredibly, they held on to the finish.
And finally...
Friday's column sought the identity of the only two men still playing county cricket to have bagged 1,000 first class wickets - and in supposing Martin Bicknell and Andy Caddick ("first reserve Alan Mullaly") Alf Hutchinson in Darlington was only half right.
One's Bicknell, now 36 and 6-42 only last week, the other the equally enduring Phillip de Freitas, who'll be 40 next February.
Back today to George Camsell. Readers may care to identify the Co Durham village team, for which both he and the no less celebrated Raich Carter played before moving on to slightly bigger things.
Still at the grass roots, the column returns on Friday.
Published: 17/05/2005
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