On TV

Property Chain (C4)

DO you own a restaurant that's going bust? Are you a chef who can't cook? Are your kitchens filthy? Is your front of house manager useless? If you tick all, or just some of those boxes, the makers of Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares would love to hear from you. I should also ask if you mind being shouted at and verbally abused by celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay. This fresh series doesn't deviate from the format that worked so well, for the ratings if not the restaurant businesses themselves, the first time round. Chef proprietor of La Lanterna, Alex Scott, fulfilled all the requirements for utter and total humiliation by Ramsay. Although I must say that the most amazing scene involved his best friend Gavin, the meek front of house man. Ramsay wanted to give him some backbone and authority when dealing with customers.

Training involved taking him into a field, standing nose-to-nose and subjecting Gavin to a barrage of effing and blinding that cast doubts on his ability to breathe let alone work in a restaurant. Gavin was urged - no, he was effing well ordered - to respond to Ramsay in a similar vein. He took some persuading before letting rip with a stream of expletives that made his teacher proud. You won't see a more extraordinary scene this week, apart from the moment in Footballers' Wives Extra Time (ITV2, Thursday) in which a naked man, spreadeagled and tied to a bed, has a vacuum cleaner nozzle applied to his willie. I couldn't tell whether the machine was on blow or suck, I'm afraid.

Back in the "very poky" kitchen at La Lanterna, Ramsay revealed that the place was losing £1,000 a week, which Alex could ill afford as he already had massive debts. Ramsay was not impressed with the food, which was precooked and heated in the microwave. The sauces came out of a packet and the amaretto cake was, he ruled, "about as authentic as an effing Chinese takeaway". The final straw came in a blindfold pasta-tasting test when Alex picked out the Pot Noodle as the best one. This convenience food was found in the kitchen along with mussels on the floor, rotting food and dirt everywhere.

Property Chain might as well be called Kirstie's Housing Nightmares as it follows those in a buying-and-selling chain trying to complete their sales. This one upped the ante by having not one, not two, but three pregnant sellers.

While Ramsay's approach is hands-on and mouthing off, presenter Kirstie Allsopp keeps her distance, unlike in Location Location Location, where she and Phil Spencer actually do some work. Her role here is to be filmed from time to time strolling down a deserted street warning of all the things that can go wrong in property deals. She says things such as "it could all backfire" and "they could be left with nowhere to live". She couldn't be gloomier if she wore a black cloak and carried a scythe.

Fame, Sunderland Empire

EIGHTEEN years ago, the passion and energy of the students at the New York High School for the Performing Arts inspired David de Silva to create the MGM feature film Fame. In this fun and vibrant musical, that spark is equally apparent.

The show opens, appropriately enough, with a group of wannabe stars auditioning for places at the prestigious school. Those who make the cut are left in no doubt of what the future holds: "Work, hard work." Yet their dreams of stardom are enough to get them through the rigors of classes, with plenty of humour along the way.

It soon becomes clear who the clowns are, and when Hispanic kid Joe is asked to bare his soul in an acting class, he ends up singing about his carnal desires in Can't Keep It Down. Fellow joker Tyrone, played with ultra-cool style by Craig Stein, hides real problems beneath his bravado, and the sexy Carmen (Leila Benn Harris) wants fame just a bit too much. Add to the mix super-serious Nick, lovestruck Serena and food-obsessed Mabel (likeable comic Delia Harris) and you have a cast of characters that keeps your interest throughout. Yet inevitably, the musical's main focus is the singing and dancing, both of which are excellent. The grand finale, when Carmen performs the title song on a yellow cab, is simply electrifying. Dust off your leg warmers and go and see this stunning show.

l Runs until Saturday. Box office 0870 6021130.

Sarah Foster

Jimmy Tarbuck - This Is My Life, Darlington Civic Theatre

TARBY is under the mistaken impression that the full house sitting in front of him is all female fans who've dragged along husbands kicking and screaming. The 65-year-old should have guessed from all the questions fired at him by men that he's always been a bloke's comedian. His 'lad outwitting the wife' cheeky chappie act has served him well for 40 years and the comic's proud support for the male bastions of football and golf were celebrated in this look back over parts of his career. Jokes about traffic on the A1 being so slow that he was clamped twice, and arriving in Darlington during the Litter Festival earned roars of laughter from all sides.

A quip about a stop at a roadside caf called The Little Thief where a confused old chap was slapped by the waitress for ordering a "quickie" instead of a quiche comes under the borderline category. But alleged true tales involving mishaps to male and dog anatomy and disabled people moved some of his act into what Peter Allis might describe as "the rough". A singalong Elvis section - although a picture of the two together did look doctored - displayed the warm affection between one of Britain's best stand-ups and his audience. Anyone who dreams up SAGA (Sex Annually Generally August) and has the talent to appear alongside Tommy Cooper, Eric Morecambe, Eric Sykes and Bob Hope is someone with a life worth celebrating.

Viv Hardwick